


danatole hcs bby

by yellowdahlia



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-12-02 07:24:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 28,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowdahlia/pseuds/yellowdahlia
Summary: all of my hcs for danatole, compiled right here.





	1. height difference

-dolokhov is short  
-he insists that he isnt!!! hes just “average”  
-but lbr hes short  
-anatole is tall™  
-anatole trips over dolokhov a lot? its a little tough  
-like he just walks right into him doesnt even see him  
-it makes dolokhov mad  
-anatole always knows when dolokhov steals his got damn shit cause his shit is got damn long on dolokhov  
-But like hes ok with it so  
-Dolokhovs gotta jump jsut to kiss anatole on the cheek!  
-does dolokhov sit on anatole’s shoulders sometimes? yes. A lot like more than would be expected  
-kinda annoys everybody  
-Anatole gets stuff for dolokhov always  
-But like sometimes sometimes he wants to watch him struggle cause thas just whomst they r  
-Once anatole tried to lean on dolokhov but he underestimated nd fell  
-like im not saying as fierce as he is dolokhov is really small and light and could probably lay on top of anatole w out it being uncomfortable but im totally saying that happens  
-Anatole hugs™ dolokhov so much he lovs how small he is  
-But u know dolokhov also hugs anatole so much? Theres so much to hug  
-Thats all thx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	2. wisdom teeth

-Youd think itd be anatole  
-But it is dolokhov….  
-Anatole is so stressed tho he doesnt know what to do dolokhov is always so serious he doesnt know how hes gonna take care of him  
-Turns out its way more difficult than expected!  
-When dolokhov first wakes up all he does is stare at anatole  
-“who…are,,,u”  
-“Dolokhv its me anatole, your boyfriend”  
-“My boyfriend??”  
-He then starts cryign uncontrollably  
-Anatole has no idea™ what to do  
-Dolokhov wont accept consoling either so like.  
-Dolokhov then promptly stops crying and asks “did i get shorter”  
-“Fedya you’re laying down on a dentist chair”  
-“Oh so I did”  
-“I just said you didn’t”  
-“Wow. Lying. I want,,,,,,”  
-“You want a what?”  
-“A..,,divor..ce”  
-“We’re not married”  
-……..”We’re not?”  
-He starts crying again  
-Once he gets up from the chair he grabs Anatole’s hand and will n o t let go  
-“Babe, Fedya, you’re hurting my hand. Let go.”  
-“no…”  
-Also he cries cause anatole called him babe hes a big crier when he’s loopy fkghgvh  
-This is posibly the best/worse day of anatole’s life  
-Anatole is like…really bad at drivign and now its worse cause now he has to make sure dolokhov who is hopped on up on meds is ok  
-He just holds his hand and hopes itll be alright  
-He cant drive well two handed tho so one handed was a train wreck but hey at least dolokhov isnt crying  
-Dolokhov “tries” to walk but “cant” so he has anatole carry him into the house  
-And im not syaing its like princess/bridal style but he’s carried into the house princess/bridal style  
-Anatole isnt too broken up abt it tho he loves dolokhov and dolokhov is the lightest thing  
-Oh!! When they get home dolokhov needs to change into like pjs or something idk he wanted to be well dressed for his surgery cause thats whomst he is™  
-He literally just wears anatoles clothers  
-Does anatole die? Yes  
-He loves his tiny bf  
-Even when hes loopy as hell djhbjhbg  
-Also! Anatole does not laugh at dolokhov he does e v er y t h i n g to make sure dolokhov is alright and comfortable and ok! He gives him lots of hugs n kisses and it makes dolokhov so happy its rlly cute nyway bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	3. cuddling

-These assholes cuddle all the got damn time  
-Like. everywhere.  
-They must be in constant contact w eachother at all time?? Ugh  
-They’re always like subtly cuddling or smthing or hugging  
-Where ever they are dolokhov is most likey snuggled into anatoles side  
-And anatole is always like. Hugging or holding dolokhov djfhbvd or has his arm around him  
-Theyre rlly annoying i love them  
-Anyway  
-Ihave a firm belief that dolokhov is the little spoon  
-But youknow sometimes anatole is th lil spoon and tbh dolokhov is like a got damn backpack hes so small but yknow its cute thyre cute thyre happy  
-When dolokhov has trouble sleeping (which is a lot) anatole will just hold him until he fall asleep  
-He’ll like stroke his face and run his hands through his hair  
-And hold his hand and whisper to him nd make him laugh and im crying now  
-When they sleep they are mosst likely holding on to one another  
-its like a reflex  
-Or? Facing eachother  
-lbr they hold hands when they sleep  
-anatole just has a tendancy to hold his tiny tiny bf  
-Cause hes like so easy to hold  
-he’ll like just carry him around their house. on a daily basis for no reason (bridal style trust me on this)  
-bear hugs!!!!!  
-Does dolokhov sit in anatoles lap? Yes. its comfy and as ive said  
-He likes to be held jdfhbdjhg  
-Ive mentioned this before! But! Dolokhov will literally lay straight on top of anatole nd like lay his head on his chest  
-He could literally sleep like that  
-anatole doesn’t mind at all  
-Dolokhov likes resting his head on anatoles shoulder  
-And anatole then rests his head on dolokhovs head!!!! im

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	4. texting

-Anatoles contact name 4 dolokhov is “mon ange”  
-Its adorable really  
-But  
-dolokhovs contact name 4 anatole is something really stupid like “gay headass” or somthing idk  
-It makes anatole so mad  
-AnYwAy  
-They send eachother memes tbh  
-Cause theyre that™ couple™  
-they text eachother so m u c h  
-They could be right next to eachother but would still probably be texting one another  
-(“who are you texting” “anatole” “ur always texting anatole” “yup” “why” “cause i love him? maybe?”)  
-theyre so disgusting also!! Cause they always send eachother hearts n such and are literally always saying i love you  
-and when i say always i mean like literally every five minutes  
-Theyre in love ok  
-Anatole always ends his texts with hearts  
-Like always  
-oh! whenever anatole doesnt know where dolokhov is he texts him and he is, without fail, in another room djfhbdjbut  
-but like just the next room over jhvbjghb  
-So going back to hte first thing  
-They have like. A whole argument abt the contact name and dolokhov changes it to “babe” bc!!! How cute is that shit how cute is that  
-It makes anatole so happy though so it doesnt bother dolokhov  
-does anatole starts some texts to dolokhov w “hey shorty”? yes. he does  
-quite frequently  
-on the topic of dolokhov being the shortest person alive if he cant reach soemthing he’ll literally text anatole and ask him to get it for him  
-i would tell u all they have like actual meaningful conversations but they dont djfhbvdjhfb they have the weirdest conversations  
-they never like call eachother theyre actual names over texts  
-its like “babe” “asshole” “shorty” “tall person™” “my one true love” and only those exclusively  
-dolokhov always calls anatole “My one true love” and anatole dies a lil bit everytime  
-but also…. anatole always calls dolokhov mon ange and dolokhov dies a lil bit everytime  
-all in all theyre in love nd they text a lot and im shedding real tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	5. sick

So um  
Anatole is the type of person to literally die every time he gets like a stuffy nose he hates it!!!!! He hates being sick so MUCH  
Dolokhov will insist that he isnt sick until he ultimately passes out  
And he will pass out  
-And guess who has to pick him up and carry him  
-Thats right: Anatole  
-He also just carries dolokhov around when dolokhov is sick  
-He wraps him in blankets nd carries him around  
-Anatole hates getting sick but he’ll risk it cause he loves Dolokhov a lot nd wants to take care of him  
-anYwaY  
-When Anatole is sick Dolokhov cannot carry him bc he is small and a little weak (don’t say that to his face edjhfbvdjhg)  
-Most of the time when Anatole is sick Dolokhov will just cuddle w him  
-A lot  
-A l o t  
-So  
-Dolokhov gets p weak when he’s sick so he spends a whole lot of his time either:  
-A: Asleep on Anatole  
-B: In Anatole’s arms  
-It’s a win-win either way  
-Dolokhov wears Anatoles clothing when he’s sick!!!! its comfy and long  
-Much to the displeasure of Anatole (“GeRms!”)  
-But uknow he thinks Dolokhov looks really cute nd adorable so he’ll get past it  
-Dolokhov always gets sick  
-Anatole literally rarely gets sick  
-It pisses Dolokhov off so much  
-Back to anatole being sick!  
-He must. And i say must. Be in contact will Dolokhov at all times  
-Tbh he’ll get upset if Dolokhov even moves  
-This is one of the times where dolokhov is the worlds smallest big spoon djhfbdhjgb  
-Anatole just wants to b cuddled when he’s sick  
-They spend a lot of time wrapped up in blankets w eachother  
-They also always make food for eachother if one of them is sick  
-Nd they’ll also just b super caring w one another and always make sure they’re ok nd happy  
-All in all tehyre rlly clingy when they get sick and i love them and im crying again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	6. high school

-Everyone thinks anatole is dating a middle schooler  
-Literally everyone  
-Dolokhov sits behind Pierre in math and Pierre still thinks he’s in middle school  
-Dolokhov is so mad  
-Theyre that rlly annoying couple that always holds hands in the hall djhbfv  
-Theyre also literally attached at the hip  
-Ask anyone at their school if they have seen them apart the answer is no  
-Also theyre like that couple™ where if you ask anyone abt them theyll know them  
-“Oh yeah I know Anatole and Dolokhov”  
-Anywayyy  
-Whenever they dont have a class together theyll always wait for one another. like right outside the door  
-They walk eachother to class  
-Honestly theyre that couple™ that like kisses when they have to leave for class  
-Anatole gives Dolokhov a ride every single day  
-Which is kind of bad cause Anatole isn’t that good of a driver but it’s whatever they’re cute  
-It’s a new challenge everyday  
-But like also  
-They switch off and sometimes Dolokhov drives but it’s a lil hard cause he’s small and also not the best driver  
-Whenever either one of them is driving they’re always holding hands!!!! a l w a y s  
-They always eat lunch together  
-And share food  
-Theyre the worst i love him  
-They help eachother w their hw  
-They study together!!!!  
-Also Anatole h8s doing his hw and studying and Dolokhov literally gives him incentives  
-“If you do your math homework I will kiss you”  
-“I will kiss you again if you finish your history”  
-“Study for two hours and we’ll cuddle”  
-Also they cuddle a l o t  
-And Anatole still really likes picking up Dolokhov  
-Dolokhov wears Anatole’s jacket to school a whole lot  
-Everyone knows them as “Anatole and Dolokhov”  
-They have movie nights on Friday and cuddle  
-They also just hang out to just be w eachother and they eat and laugh and hold hands  
-They’re together like all weekend  
-They go to prom together? and they look so good they’re so happy  
-Tbh they share a locker  
-Also Dolokhov steals a lot of Anatole’s clothes  
-“Dolokhov is that Anatole’s shirt”  
-“Yep”  
-If they’re not together or are in class u bet they’re texting eachother  
-They write eachother notes sometimes too jdbfvdhgfv  
-its like “i love you” nd “i love you too asshole”  
-all in all theyre in high school and in love


	7. fights

-They dont fight a lot  
-Mainly domestic things and occasional banter  
-But when it escalates  
-It’s bad  
-And big  
-They both yell a whole bunch  
-And they’re very loud  
-They both think they’re right even if they’re wrong  
-And they do NOT like to be disagreed with  
-But? Anatole doesn’t like being yelled at and is super uncomfortable with it  
-He’ll probably end up crying by the end  
-Actually he most definitely will  
-And Dolokhov is really stubborn and doesn’t like taking responsibility for his actions after a fight because he can’t take the atmosphere he created  
-Also Dolokhov will keep going even after he tries to fix it  
-He just.. Has to get that last word in  
-It hurts Anatole so mcuh  
-When it gets super duper bad they will almost always use rude and snide remarks/comments to eachother  
-They’re both so upset by it but it’s like their defense when arguing  
-They’re both pretty stubborn so when they fight it’s a hard atmosphere to be in  
-After the fact they’ll ignore eachother and make even more snide remarks  
-Anatole will lock himself in their room  
-Dolokhov will leave  
-He never goes far  
-But he leaves  
-And it hurts Anatole a lot  
-He doesn’t like when Dolokhov leaves  
-Or slams the door behind him  
-Dolokhov doesn’t like leaving either  
-But he has to  
-He doesn’t want to hurt Anatole more  
-Anatole cries some more  
-If it’s really really bad they won’t speak to eachother for at least a day  
-Anatole will get really upset over simply having the fights bc he doesn’t like arguing with the love of his life  
-And he’s upset bc Dolokhov is still mad at him  
-The atmosphere is very..sad. nd it’s hard for Dolokhov to take  
-Dolokhov probably ends up breaking down by the end of everything  
-He doesn’t like being mad at Anatole  
-But he is.  
-He doesn’t know why he does this  
-Hey im crying bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	8. wedding

-so  
-first off!  
-i have a firm belief that anatole and dolokhov started dating when they were around 17 and like got married when they were like in their mid to late 20s  
-nd cause theyre cute like that they were like bffs for lyfe before that  
-anyway!!! them being cute nd getting married  
-hey just providing some background um  
-anatole totally proposed srry dont make the rules  
-it wasn’t that much but  
-dolokhov cried a WHOLE LOT  
-anatole was so worried dolokhov was gonna say no!!! and he cried when dolokhov cried ugh!!!!  
-they hugged nd kissed a whole lot after that  
-they both kind of hate™ weddings though  
-but they love eachother a big whole bunch so?  
-both of em were like “we don’t want to make a big deal out of this”  
-everyone makes it into a big deal  
-they are in fact the first of their friends to get married  
-and everyone is so excited they love danatole its a good time  
-and their #goals again srry dont make the rules  
-jshdbfdgfv right before they actually get married anatole is f r e a k i n g out  
-like “im not enough why should he love me”  
-and like  
-dolokhov is doing the same exact thing  
-“he doesnt deserve me”  
-anatole nd dolokhov are the epitome of “hey do you still like me” “we’re literally married”  
-anatole nd dolokhov are absolutely totally color coordinated  
-their wedding is rlly small  
-but its gud nonetheless  
-they both kind of? break down when saying their vows cause  
-they’re emotional  
-they literally love eachother so much!!!!  
-dolokhov’s are essentially “I literally can’t believe this is happening i love you so much you’re my best friend you’re my soulmate”  
-ugh and anatole’s are like “i never thought i’d be good enough for you and you’re so special and you’re far too good for me but i’m so lucky to love you”  
-anway im crying  
-after they like just cuddle and laugh in their pjs bc they’re m a r r i e d  
-ugh im emotional now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	9. more height difference

-you know the way some people pick other people up  
-like they pick them up with their arms around their waste and the other’s person’s legs are around their waist?  
-well anatole picks dolokhov up like that all the time  
-he loves kissing him like that !! aahjfhbdjfhv  
-dolokhov also sits on counters a lot  
-they sometimes just have conversations while dolokhov is sitting on a counter and anatole is just chilling in front of him  
-he also sets dolokhov on the counter?  
-just cause  
-bc we are still on my ever favorite concept that anatole loves to pick dolokhov up:  
-dolokhov falls asleep really really easily when he’s tired so if he falls asleep on anatole or something  
-anatole will pick him up and carry him to bed  
-dolokhov loves this so he pretends to be asleep a lot  
-anatole knows but he’ll do it he loves how tiny and clingy dolokhov is  
-sometimes people will literally ask anatole if he’s dating a minor  
-DOLOKHOV GETS SO MAD  
-sometimes anatole won’t let dolokhov kiss him and so dolokhov stands on a chair and kisses him anyway  
-that or he’ll jump  
-but that rarely works  
-when they hug anatole rests his chin on dolokhovs head  
-dolokhov loves to jsut  
-sit in anatole’s lap  
-anatole literally drapes himself on dolokhov  
-anatole loves to hold dolokhovs face!!! (this isn’t rlly height difference but their height difference makes it cuter)  
-oh also! dolokhov is around 5′2″ and anatole is around 6′3″ djhfbgjdhtgb  
-when they hug anatole picks dolokhov up  
-this happens by accident but its so cute  
-they have such nice hugs  
-like anatole wraps himseld around dolokhov  
-and dolokhov gets like smothered by anatole  
-but they both love it so much  
-also! when htey cuddle or dolokhov sits in anatoles lap he will also rest his chin on dolokhovs head  
-it’s so sweet  
-anatole has to lean down p far just to kiss dolokhov they both find it so funny  
-nd lastly  
-anatole can pick dolokhov up literally so easily skhfd he’s so small and light  
-one minute dolokhov is on the ground  
-the next minute he’s in anatole’s arms and he didnt even realize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me ur hc requests on tumblr!


	10. breaking a limb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to the anon who gave me an idea on how anatole would break his leg

-so  
-anatole breaks his leg  
-it’s an embarrassing story but it happened  
-nd u would think this happened like, when they started dating?? but oh no  
-they’re married when this happens vdjfhbgdjthg  
-anatole and dolokhov were out  
-having fun  
-being cute  
-nd then  
-they were like in a stairwell  
-nd he went to lean on the railing (he wanted to be cool!!)  
-nd he overshot but also tripped?  
-nd ended up falling down maybe three flights of stairs  
-dolokhov froze for a good three minutes where did his husband go  
-it all happened so fast  
-he can’t move he’s panicking  
-anatole legit crying at the very bottom of the stairwell (this hurt me to type) snaps him out of it  
-he then literally BOLTS down the stairs  
-he went faster than anyone would assume his short legs could go  
-anywayy  
-anatole at this point is not having a good time  
-he’s sobbing now and his leg is very  
-very broken  
-his face is a lil bruised  
-he’s got scrapes too  
-dolokhov’s entire thought process at this point is “oh god ok oh god what do i do oh god”  
-first thing he does is try to move anatole’s leg so it won’t hurt him as much and so he can help him up easier  
-but it literally hurts when he simply touches it  
-nd anatole keeps getting more upset  
-he can’t stop crying  
-dolokhov’s heart breaks into tiny little pieces he feels so horrible for him  
-he might cry too it’s too much to see anatole like this  
-ok so he moves his leg a lil bit  
-then he just holds anatole for a while  
-he strokes his face  
-he smooths his hair  
-he wipes the tears from his face  
-he hugs him  
-he holds him (aka he cradles him)  
-he whispers that it’s going to be ok into his hair  
-he kisses his face  
-once anatole is calmed by the comforting presence of dolokhov  
-he tries to stand up  
-dolokhov tries to carry him?  
-it’s sweet but a man who is 5′2″cannot pick up his husband who is 6′3″  
-he ends up accidentally hurting anatole’s leg and he almost cries bc he loves anatole nd he hates this!! he hates seeing him in so much pain!! he is sad!!!  
-they make a compromise  
-dolokhov hholds him up  
-and anatole walks using his good not totally messed up leg  
-they successfully get to the car but anatole’s leg hurts so bad  
-when they’re driving to the er anatole starts crying again  
-dolokhovs crying too atm dfhbvjd tbh  
-dolokhov holds anatole’s hand the entire time he’s driving  
-it’s a rough time  
-anatole almost faints  
-he had his leg propped on the dashboard god it was a mess  
-he broke it so bad he needed surgery  
-but! dolokhov was w him the entire time giving him hugs n kisses n cuddles bc god knows he needs them  
-when he got home dolokhov was helping him w so much it was so sweet  
-he didn’t have to help him so much but he did!!! i love them  
-also he sprained his ribs a lil  
-but he’s ok!  
-dolokhov did so much for bc he was so sad to see anatole so sad and upset  
-he like  
-never wanted to see anatole like that again  
-he hugged and kissed him a lot after that  
-nd like held him any chance he got

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey make sure to send me requests on tumblr!! i love you all!!


	11. getting together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a wonderful person asked me for some headcanons as to how anatole and dolokhov got together!

-ok so  
-they’ve been bffs since elementary school right?  
-but! they’ve basically been pining for eachother since the 8th grade  
-well at least dolokhov has been  
-well at least he realized it in the 8th grade  
-anatole had immediate heart eyes for him though?  
-and only realized it freshman year when helene just pointed it out to him  
-she was so done™ w him  
-the next three years are hell for the both of them  
-they’re still absolute bffs but they’re both like  
-PINING FOR EACHOTHER REALLY BAD  
-they got it real bad for eachother  
-they are whipped™  
-it’s horrible  
-they both really wanna tell eachother but  
-they cannot  
-dolokhov can’t shake that anatole will never like him and that he’ll always be w someone else  
-anatole can’t shake that dolokhov is too good for him and will reject him  
-this goes on until they’re juniors- almost seniors  
-they’re both 17  
-everyone in their friend group is beyond exasperated at this point  
-and at this point anatole and dolokhov are like fully in love  
-it’s gotten p bad  
-then one day  
-helene talks to anatole nd is like “if you don’t tell him i will”  
-nd anatole would rather not have helene tell the love of his life that he is the love of his life  
-anatole is so nervous to tell him  
-so he invites dolokhov over yknow?  
-they hang act like bffs who are also in love  
-you know  
-the entire time anatole is psyching himself up to finally do this  
-it’s 5am  
-the sun is rising  
-they’re alone  
-they’re in the kitchen  
-and anatole just  
-tells him  
-he can barely get it out  
-he stutters and blushes and he might be crying a little  
-then silence  
-and anatole might cry more bc he doesn’t think dolokhov likes him he’s going to leave ohmygod-  
-nd then dolokhov smiles wider than he ever has in his life?  
-nd he’s like  
-crying?  
-like real tears of joy bc he’s so in love!!! nd anatole loves him back!!!  
-he blushes and stutters out an answer in reply  
-they kind of just sit in happy love filled silence for a while  
-then dolokhov finally just says “so you like…wanna go on a date?”  
-n they do  
-it’s awkward and it’s near 6am but they’re on their first date nd they’re so happy  
-when they get back to school they won’t stop holding hands  
-then they date and get married

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to send me requests on tumblr and talk to me about danatole!! i love you all!!!


	12. getting shot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to do some hcs on the time dolokhov got shot by pierre so!

-SO  
-dolokhov gets shot  
-he’s not 2 happy abt it  
-but like anatole isn’t either  
-his bf just got shot wth  
-nd since dolokhov is rlly upset abt it - he can’t get shot? he’s such a good shot he can’t let that happen  
-he’s pissed™ - but like he is beyond pissed   
-anatole’s like crying at this point  
-he is SO worried dolokhov is gonna die   
-nd he needs dolokhov he physically cannot die  
-but since dolokhov is so mad that pierre™ just shot him  
-he’s completely ignoring anatole  
-anatole keeps trying to talk to him  
-he keeps trying to help him  
-comfort him  
-dolokhov doesn’t acknowledge him   
-at all  
-anatole understands?  
-i mean dolokhov is in pain nd all but?  
-it hurts so bad   
-when one gets shot you would expect the person they love to be with them right?  
-at least that’s what anatole thought  
-he still stays w him  
-even though dolokhov still hasn’t made an effort to acknowledge him  
-he takes a step back  
-dolokhov is too upset right now  
-he understands  
-he understands   
-he  
-he’s so worried he can’t do anything  
-he can’t eat he can’t sleep  
-the only thing he can do is cry  
-and he hasn’t seen dolokhov in a while and he can’t   
-its strange and uncomfortable without him   
-he can’t live without him   
-he can’t go a day without him   
-then  
-dolokhov isn’t mad anymore  
-he’s upset  
-he didn’t want to scare anatole like that  
-he shouldn’t have ignored   
-he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have he shouldn’t have  
-he is so upset with what he created  
-he can’t live without anatole  
-he can’t leave him alone  
-he’s crying now too  
-and his arm hurts and so does his head and his entire body and his heart   
-he’s in such a state of panic anatole doesn’t know what to do  
-he considers doing the same thing dolokhov did to him   
-but he can’t afford to lose him again  
-instead he stays with him for as long as possible  
-and barely leaves his side until he’s fully recovered   
-it feels better that way  
-it’s hard to live when it’s different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay angst


	13. breaking a limb pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love angst nd pain

-let’s go  
-so it starts at night  
-they’re sleeping yknow  
-they’re cuddling but like nonconsciously as they do  
-then dolokhov gets a nightmare  
-it’s bad  
-they haven’t been this bad in a while  
-but here we are  
-he’s still sleeping but he starts freaking out  
-he’s crying  
-he’s moving around a lot   
-like tossing and turning   
-nd at this point anatole is awake   
-he’s very concerned nd super upset   
-he hates when dolokhov has nightmares it’s absolute hell  
-atm dolokhov is still sleeping  
-but he’s getting more and more worked up  
-he tries to wake him up  
-he won’t  
-so he scoops him up  
-he holds him  
-he tries to get him to calm down in his sleep   
-so nothing bad happens to him when he wakes up  
-sometimes he gets too startled  
-nd it’s one of those nights  
-at first he seems to calm down?  
-but then he starts crying again  
-then  
-oh and then  
-he gets startled awake by anatole holding him  
-he starts thrashing a lil?  
-he got so startled his nightmare was so bad  
-he’s crying more now  
-anatole is trying his absolute best rn  
-he doesn’t want to hurt him   
-he doesn’t care if he gets hurt as long as dolokhov is ok  
-dolokhov is still too wrapped up in his nightmare  
-it gets worse  
-anatole tries really hard to gently restrain him  
-but both of them push too hard  
-and  
-all you hear is a snap  
-and then silence  
-it’s dolokhov’s arm   
-he doesn’t realize it  
-he can’t feel any pain  
-but he felt it  
-so did anatole  
-he felt it snap  
-all anatole can feel is immediate dread, guilt and extreme sadness  
-he caused this!!! he made dolokhov break his arm  
-how could he have done this  
-he should have been more careful  
-he was so careful  
-what happened  
-he hurt the love of his life  
-he wants to curl up and stop existing  
-but he can’t  
-dolokhov is the focus  
-and he hasn’t gone into shock  
-but like  
-he can’t feel anything - except a pain  
-a deep pain  
-he can feel it in his arm  
-and it’s radiating off of anatole  
-he’s barely registered what happened  
-its like 2am he’s so tired   
-why is he crying  
-why is anatole crying?  
-then it all comes together  
-he starts crying harder  
-he’s too distraught for words  
-anatole doesn’t have to but he literally just picks dolokhov up  
-he just picks him right up  
-dolokhov insists that he doesn’t have to  
-through tears anatole insists he needs to  
-dolokhov accepts   
-he likes being carried  
-it’s what he needs at this moment  
-when he has a nightmare all he needs is anatole  
-when he hurts himself then too all needs is anatole  
-and anatole is so worried and upset you would think dolokhov was dying  
-he thinks so at least   
-or is at least acting like it  
-when they’re driving to the er anatole is trying to be as comforting as he can  
-dolokhov is so tired his arm hurts he’s still shaky from the nightmare   
-he hates this  
-anatole literally wants to cuddle him while driving he’s so concerned and so deeply upset  
-he hates when this happens it’s absolutely hearbreaking  
-when they’re waiting in the er anatole just holds dolokhov   
-he holds him almost then entire time  
-when they get home hours later even more tired and shaky than before  
-anatole has a good cry himself  
-dolokhov gets so upset  
-anatole shouldnt be upset  
-but anatole thinks he should be  
-they hold eachother nd dont sleep for a while after that  
-they don’t fall asleep until at least 7am   
-and when they do they’re holding onto eachother for dear life   
-anatole holds him more tightly after that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these came out way more sad than intendedmdhbvdj


	14. sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> these aren't angsty (but i got more angst up my sleeve)

-yes so  
-they both love sleep but like?  
-they go to bed late like around 12am or 1am  
-they always wait for eachother in order to go to bed  
-it’s weird when they don’t  
-anatole gets really anxious when dolokhov isn’t awake next to him  
-the house feels too empty   
-he likes going to bed knowing dolokhov is too  
-they have so many blankets!!  
-like so many  
-doesn’t matter what season   
-anatole kind of hates it but   
-dolokhov l o v es blankets nd he loves dolokhov so he’ll deal  
-dolokhov is like  
-really cute when he sleeps  
-like r e a l ly  
-he’s so small so like  
-when he sleeps he l ike curls into himself   
-nd he looks so small nd young   
-anatole is got damn mess tbhfg jfhg  
-he’s like an octopus   
-when they go to sleep anatole isn’t moving he’s good  
-dolokhov wakes up an hour later nd he’s got one of anatole’s leg draped over his nd an arm flung over his waist  
-oh!! anatole is totally that person who literally will grab dolokhovs waist nd pull him closer while still asleep  
-sooooo  
-anatole gets nightmares too nd they’re p bad as well? he gets panic attacks at night quite a lot  
-he also has real bad anxiety so sleeping isn’t super fun?  
-he doesn’t like the dark he’s scared someones in the house  
-dolokhov will a l w a ys help  
-he always lets him cry  
-nd even though he’s the tiniest he always holds anatole  
-he’ll hold his hand  
-tell him he’s safe, the doors and windows are locked  
-tell him funny stories and puns  
-kiss his head   
-sing to him  
-make him laugh until he cries   
-read to him  
-do anything to make him smile  
-it doesn’t matter that he’s tired as hell  
-dolokhov wakes up crying a lot though too  
-anatole just needs to hold him  
-wipe the tears from his face  
-count the freckles on dolokhov’s face  
-kiss his nose  
-make him laugh in return   
-hold him until they don’t know who’s limbs are who’s  
-kiss him until the tears are gone and dried and he’s smiling   
-it’s light but it’s there and that’s all anatole needs  
-anatole wraps him in more blankets  
-anyway!  
-if they fall asleep facing opposite eachother  
-there is a 100% chance they will wake up intertwined   
-happens every single night  
-some days neither of them want to move  
-that’s ok  
-they have eachother  
-nd their comfy bed nd their cat  
-their cat falls asleep on dolokhov most nights   
-anatole d ie s it’s so cute  
-the cat sometimes ends up between them  
-when dolokhov is like 100% asleep he’ll just bury his face in anatole’s chest  
-it’s a subconscious reflex  
-nd in return anatole will always wrap his arms around him  
-so yhea they love eachother nd they sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks i love u all


	15. anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey! it's dolokhov w anxiety aka me projecting dkfhbvdjhg

-sooo  
-dolokhov has a lot of anxiety  
-it’s mainly generalized anxiety, social anxiety and seperation anxiety  
-it’s a big mix in his brain nd it’s awful  
-he can’t do a lot  
-like it’s really difficult for him to be in public  
-anatole has to come with him almost everywhere he goes  
-along w that  
-he can’t really be away from anatole for a long time?  
-it used to be really bad at the beginning like he couldn’t think about being away from anatole w out having a panic attack  
-so he’s w anatole a alot  
-anatole doesn’t mind it hurts him to see dolokhov like that  
-when it was that bad he used to carry around a picture of him nd anatole in his pockt/wallet everywhere he went  
-he doesn’t do that anymore but he gets those panic attacks once n a while  
-he still has that picture  
-he doesn’t seem like it but? he’s afraid of everything  
-his social anxiety isn’t terrible BUT  
-he is constantly afraid of judgment  
-he gets panic attacks about not wanting to do things bc he doesn’t know what people will think about him  
-he doesn’t want to anger people  
-what if people are mad at him  
-what if they hate him?  
-what if they scrutinize his actions?  
-whatifwhatifwhatif  
-i think i said anatole is always kinda afraid someone is in their house at night? he is but  
-dolokhov is deathly afraid of that  
-like it’s horrible and anatole feels so bad  
-he hears one noise at night and it starts spiraling  
-one window is unlocked and  
-he overthinks and overthinks  
-not just about that specific topic  
-he overanalyzes everything  
-he has had one too many panic attacks in the middle of the night convinced he’s going to get murdered  
-those are the worst ones he can’t calm down and shake it  
-anatole has a routine for those nights  
-he assures him everything is ok  
-he gives him an anxiety med   
-he makes him drink water   
-he either puts on music  
-or just starts talking nd tells dolokhov to listen   
-or! he’ll sing to him  
-he’ll also hold him so tight all dolokhov can think about is anatole  
-dolokhov will get distracted soon enough  
-sometimes he doesn’t though  
-anatole hates when that happens  
-he helps him breathe  
-he runs his hands through his hair over and over and over  
-this is kinda weird but hear me out  
-he like strokes the bridge of his nose  
-it honestly helps dolokhov  
-it helps him breathe  
-when dolokhov has a panic attack he cries a lot  
-anatole has to make him do things alot?  
-like not forcefully but he knows he needs to do things  
-like going into shops or talking to people on the phone   
-or going into meetings by himself   
-anatole has to talk for him sometimes  
-anatole is totally ok with that though he loves dolokhov so much he’ll do anything for him  
-he does have to order for him at restaurants but!  
-he’ll be really happy if dolokhov even orders a drink for himself  
-he’s the best? like  
-he’s so happy for dolokhov is he does he littlest thing that’s overcoming some anxiety  
-dolokhov fixates on a lot  
-he makes one mistake and his brain is out to get him  
-due to his anxiety he fidgets a lot  
-he plays w his clothing  
-he can’t handle overcrowded places  
-he almost had a panic attack in a lush bc it was so crowded and he felt like everyone was staring at me and it was too hot   
-he doesn’t like paying at stores  
-he gets really overwhelmed a lot  
-when his anxiety gets really bad he’ll shut down  
-he won’t talk to anyone but anatole  
-he almost always anxious about something  
-anything  
-his brain is always making him be on high alert  
-anatole always makes sure he can help him and be there for him   
-he is small and anxious ok  
-and anatole is such a good bf who helps so muc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks i love you all


	16. first date!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look @ me! posting! all my theatre stuff is over until the fall :(( but i'll start posting more!!!

-So it’s like 5:30am  
-They confessed their for eachother like 25 minutes ago  
-They’re tired as heck   
-But they’re committed and want to go on a date so they’ll go on a date  
-But like no places one would normally go on a date are closed  
-They’re in Anatole’s beat up old car he’s had for like a,,year  
-Driving in circles looking for somewhere to go  
-Horrible circles bc Anatole can’t drive for the life of him  
-Then! They stumble (Or Anatole stumbles on it bc Dolokhov’s asleep in the front seat) on a little coffee shop that’s open  
-I would also like 2 mention that Dolokhov is wearing one of Anatole’s hoodies that’s like 3 sizes too big (with the hood up) and a pair of pajama pants  
-Anatole,,,is dressed to the n i n e s (so dressed like anatole)  
-At 5:30 in the am   
-When he actually finds the place he gets so excited  
-He like yells “FOUND ONE!”  
-And scares dolokhov awake and dolokhov hits his head on the window  
-So it’s starting off great  
-It’s like  
-Completely empty   
-Save for them   
-They find a nice lil table   
-Dolokhov is so happy but also he’s so tired he can’t really think?  
-Anatole think it’s so cute  
-Like Dolokhov is so groggy!!! It’s adorable  
-He blinks really slowly and like sinks into Anatole’s hoodie  
-Also: the sweatshirt goes over his hands   
-Like all the way over   
-He doesn’t care  
-Nd he’s like resting his chin on his hand acting all tired ughgngngn   
-Anatole gets them breakfast and like a large coffee for dolokhov  
-Dolokhov at this point is like asleep at the table  
-His head is down   
-He’s out like a light  
-As soon as Anatole left he was like knocked out  
-Anatole takes his picture  
-So it’s like 6am now   
-Dolokhov is a little better after chugging his coffee  
-They’re having a rlly nice date  
-They’re holding hands across the table  
-Nd blushing  
-Dolokhov forces Anatole to buy him another coffee   
-U kno that thing when ur tired nd ur resting ur head on ur chin n ur head keeps falling?  
-That happens to Dolokhov literally every five minutes  
-Anatole can’t stop thinking about how cute he is but also how hot???   
-Nd guess what! Through his grogginess Dolokhov can’t stop thinking about how cute nd also hot Anatole is atm??  
-His hair is sticking up everywhere and his stylish jacket looks too big and his nail polish is severely chipped and his dark circles are really apparent  
-Also Anatole was 2 tired to put in his contacts so he’s wearing his cute ass glasses  
-They’re like the round wire frame kind  
-Dolokhov thinks Anatole looks so good??  
-Tbh the date is a little awkward even though they’ve known eachother for years  
-They can’t get over how they actually are on a date!!!!!!!!!  
-Dolokhov likes Anatole back!!!  
-Anatole likes Dolokhov back!!!!!  
-They can’t stop smiling   
-Then when they’re done Dolokhov falls asleep in the car   
-Nd Anatole has to carry him into his house nd into Anatole’s room  
-Then they take a nap together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx im love u all


	17. anxiety part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yay

-Dolokhov has a tendency to scratch himself when he has really bad anxiety so when he looks like he’s gonna anatole will always takes his hands and let -dolokhov just fidget with his hands and hold them  
-(he also totally uses a fidget spinner sometimes)  
-(“it HELPS anatole!”)  
-He’s a big anxiety crier  
-Like he gets little anxious and he’s crying   
-It’s bad though and it makes anatole’s heart hurt so bad  
-Dolokhov is normally so fierce and he’s always hid his anxiety so well around others  
-Seeing him reduced to such horrible anxiety is so heartbreaking  
-That’s why he always goes out of his way to help Dolokhov  
-That’s why he goes out of his way to make him laugh  
-To make him feel a little bit better  
-To make him feel loved   
-To make him feel safe   
-When Dolokhov has real bad anxiety and is crying in Anatole’s lap fidgeting with his hands because he can’t sleep and he knows he can’t sleep and he doesn’t want to get murdered, Anatole  
-Oh anatole  
-He makes it his mission to kiss every part of Dolokhov’s face   
-Run his thumbs across his tear stained cheeks   
-He also will sing to him   
-He will also make sure Dolokhov gets his anxiety med  
-He will also just. hold him  
-Let him cry until he has no tears left  
-Sometimes that’s all he can do   
-But it helps nonetheless   
-Whenever Dolokhov has anxiety he will always look to Anatole  
-He honestly won’t let anyone else help him  
-No matter where he is  
-If he and Anatole aren’t together  
-He will always call him if he’s having anxiety or close to a panic attack  
-Anatole will drop e v e r y t h i n g to o get him and make sure he’s ok  
-He’ll rub his back   
-Hold his hand and rub his thumb over it   
-He has a thing regarding routine   
-And will get extremely anxious when it’s messed up  
-One day Anatole will go to bed before him and all of a sudden he’s crying   
-Anatole feels horrible  
-Absolutely horrible  
-He never does that again   
-Dolokhov can’t sleep most of the time  
-It takes him too long  
-And his anxiety kicks in  
-Why can’t he sleep?  
-He needs to sleep  
-What time is it?  
-Why isn’t he comfortable?  
-Why is nothing comfortable?  
-When it’s like that Anatole will hold him  
-Put music on for him  
-Tell him to focus on nothing but him, and the music   
-When Dolokhov has anxiety Anatole will always be there  
-Getting water for him  
-Making sure he’s in one of Anatole’s old hoodies  
-Wrapped in a blanket   
-And laughing  
-That’s all Anatole cares about   
-That’s what Anatole needs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow


	18. childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow i love angst

-Hhere we go  
-In my mind they meet when they’re like five  
-So  
-They’re both in kindergarten  
-It’s the middle of the year  
-Around January  
-Dolokhov arrives in Anatole’s class  
-He’s new and nervous  
-But he doesn’t seem it  
-Anatole is,,,smitten  
-To say the least fjghb  
-And now  
-It’s his m i s s i o n to befriend this boy  
-This new boy  
-Dolokhov is so nervous  
-And he almost panics when this cute blonde boy excitedly walks up to him  
-He’s near tears  
-When Anatole doesn’t know what to say  
-He’s like really really smitten at this point  
-He’s panicking too  
-He needs to impress this boy  
-He needs  
-He NEEDs to be friends with him  
-How else are they gonna fall in love and get married and have cats and have two kids?  
-What is he gonna say?  
-So he smiles real wide and he,,uh,,says the first thing that comes to his five year old mind  
-Which is “cheese sticks” (this for u kalvin)  
-Dolokhov laughs  
-Anatole is dead now because he got the boy to laugh and it’s cute  
-Then Dolokhov doesn’t know what to say  
-He’s a little confused but also a little in love?  
-So he just stammers out “I’m uh l-ac-to-se i-ntolerant”  
-(He can’t say it v well)  
-And then Dolokhov spends the entire day attached to Anatole  
-At the very end of the day (which is like noon figb)  
-They’re really sad but make a promise that they’re gonna be best friends forever  
-It’s a pinky promise  
-They do everything together the rest of the year  
-And have playdates almost every other day  
-And hold hands a lot bc they’re besties and never want to be apart  
-They like  
-Cry anytime they have to be apart  
-Anyway  
-Elementary school!!  
-They always want the same teachers  
-Sometimes they get them  
-But also they don’t ://///  
-Then there’s a lot of tears  
-And a lot of planning  
-Like an excessive amount of planning  
-Like how they’re gonna sit together and lunch and where exactly they’re gonna sit and how they’re gonna be together every day at recess  
-And they stick to that plan  
-One time during recess Dolokhov (he’s even so tiny when they’re like eight - he’s the smallest kid in the class) falls and hurts his leg really bad  
-And Anatole like cries too but also carries him to the nurses office  
-Also they’re still like really in love with eachother  
-Like it’s progressed  
-Now that they’re in elementary school they still hang out all the time  
-But they do their homework together too uhgdgb  
-So middle school is a rough time  
-They’re still besties but they’re also like still battling with the crushes they’ve had on eachother since they were five  
-Anatole refuses to think it’s there  
-He ignores it  
-Dolokhov is ok with it but  
-Anatole is becoming more closed off  
-So he pushes it down  
-Anatole will never like him anyway  
-Why were they friends?  
-They’re still friends  
-Dolokhov is trying so hard  
-But? Anatole’s hanging out with Natasha Rostova and all her friends now  
-He likes her  
-He doesn’t like Dolokhov anymore  
-He doesn’t need Dolokhov anymore  
-Dolokhov spends a lot of his time crying in middle school  
-Anatole does too  
-He hates himself  
-He’s never with Fedya anymore  
-He knows he’s upsetting him  
-He doesn’t know what to do  
-They have a heart to heart in the second floor bathroom at 12:00pm in seventh grade when they’re both supposed to be in honors math  
-They hug a lot  
-When they look back to that conversation  
-They both with they told their feelings  
-That they’ve had since they were five  
-That they don’t know what to do about  
-Then it’s normal again  
-They hang out everyday after school  
-And help eachother study and finish projects  
-But those feelings  
-They always push aside  
-Always come up in the back of their minds  
-Before they’re pushed down again  
-Then they get to highschool  
-They’re in a big group of friends  
-But it’s always Anatole and Dolokhov  
-It’s always them  
-Walking and talking in the halls despite not having any of the same classes  
-Skipping class and having secret conversations in the emptiness of unused classrooms  
-Their feelings get worse as the years go on  
-Dolokhov is so close to breaking in junior year  
-He can’t do this anymore  
-He can’t hide from Anatole  
-They almost stop being friends  
-They have a really big argument  
-At Anatole’s house at 11pm when it’s just them  
-Dolokhov almost breaks  
-He almost tells him  
-He can’t  
-Anatole would never understand  
-Anatole almost breaks too  
-He can’t lose Dolokhov  
-If he loses Dolokhov he loses everything  
-Then, oh then  
-Only a few weeks later  
-The go on their first date  
-And Anatole can feel the five year old that wanted to marry the new boy who was so small and skinny and never showed signs of being anything but fiercer than everyone smiling in him  
-They both let out a deep breathe  
-A breathe they had held for many many years  
-They are together and all is right  
-It’s always going to be Anatole and Dolokhov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was fun! and long


	19. angst angst angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> danatole and the great (first!) fight they had in highschool

-So they’ve been dating for a little bitty while  
-I’d say maybe for a month or two?  
-They’re so h a p p y   
-But I don’t feel like starting with that  
-So here’s their first big fight  
-Things had been going pretty well  
-They’ve never really had fights when they were friends  
-A few small things but never something as big as this  
-Oh this  
-It all started because Anatole started talking to Natasha Rostova again  
-The girl Anatole left Dolokhov in the dust for when they were in middle school  
-The girl who very clearly likes Anatole   
-And Anatole knows it too  
-And? Dolokhov thought he would stop his incessant flirting with everyone once they got together  
-Everything is right when they’re together? Anatole doesn’t need anybody else  
-Both he and Anatole know that  
-But here Dolokhov is   
-Sitting at lunch alone  
-When he’s supposed to be sitting with Anatole  
-Watching him walk around with Natasha  
-He’s grown so tired of that name  
-Well, she’s a very nice girl  
-But   
-But.   
-But she likes Anatole and when someone likes Anatole   
-They’re someone Anatole can’t resist  
-Even when he’s dating the love of his life   
-Even though he knows he needs to stop  
-Even when Dolokhov tries to make the focus on him  
-The focus will always be on something else  
-On someone else  
-They hang out that afternoon  
-And that evening  
-It’s awkward the whole time  
-The tension is thick and uncomfortable  
-And Anatole knows exactly why  
-But he doesn’t understand   
-Isn’t what he’s doing ok?  
-Dolokhov wants to leave   
-But Anatole’s smile seems so sincere today  
-Maybe he’s better  
-Maybe he won’t do this anymore  
-Maybe   
-He knows in the back of his mind that that hope is dumb and he better get out while he can  
-It doesn’t matter how long he’s had a crush on Anatole  
-It doesn’t matter that they’ve been friends for years and years  
-There will always be others  
-He isn’t special   
-He’s unimportant  
-He’s just someone for Anatole to toy with  
-Anatole, kind of knows that’s what he thinks  
-He isn’t though  
-He’s the most special person in Anatole’s life   
-But he likes people and he likes flirting   
-It’s fun  
-They both know something is wrong  
-But neither of them break the uncomfortable silence they fell in about three hours ago  
-They’re in Anatole’s kitchen  
-That god forsaken kitchen that started it all  
-Why had Dolokhov been so eager  
-He should have said no  
-He should have protected himself  
-But he didn’t  
-Because he loves Anatole too much  
-It’s around midnight when the tension is too much   
-And Dolokhov finally decides to break the silence   
-He’s crying  
-He’s stuttering too  
-And god, his problem sounds so mundane and middle school when he says it like that  
-All stuttery and covered in tears that taste like nothing but the pain he’s endured  
-The pain that Anatole caused  
-Anatole  
-Anatole is listening  
-His face is pained  
-Uncomfortable  
-Questioning   
-He doesn’t understand  
-Of course he doesn’t understand!  
-They’re both yelling know  
-This is no mundane middle school problem  
-YOU’RE FLIRTING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ANATOLE  
-WE’RE NOT TECHNICALLY FLIRTING WHY SHOULD YOU CARE  
-WHY SHOULD I CARE? WE’RE DATING ANATOLE  
-I KNOW WE ARE   
-THEN STOP FLIRTING WITH EVERYTHING THAT WALKS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME  
-FEDYA YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND  
-YES I DO AND IF YOU DON’T STOP I DON’T THINK THIS WILL BE ABLE TO WORK AND NOT EVEN OUR FRIENDSHIP COULD FIX WHAT YOU HAVE DONE  
-FEDYA  
-THAT’S MY NAME ANATOLE. I’M SURPRISED YOU KNOW IT CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE YOU TALK TO BESIDES ME  
-It goes on like that for a while  
-Dolokhov keeps trying to explain and explain  
-And Anatole is too stubborn to listen  
-Dolokhov doesn’t know why he’s trying anymore  
-So he stops  
-And he breaks  
-And not like he breaks and leaves and lives a good life without Anatole  
-He breaks in the way where he’s sobbing and shuddering and shaking so much he can feel his heart quivering all the while being backed into a corner by a -non threatening non assuming Anatole  
-He takes a shuddered breath and and says the only thing he can  
-“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t do this to me. You would understand that love isn’t this. Love isn’t you compulsively flirting or not flirting with other -people. I thought you loved me Anatole. It was nice to believe. I’m sorry.”   
-Then he takes one more ragged breath and leaves still sobbing  
-Even more than we was before  
-Anatole can’t feel  
-Did he just loose Dolokhov?  
-Is he really that problematic?  
-Is he hurting him that much  
-It takes too much to reach out to him   
-He doesn’t know what to do  
-How do they go forward  
-Is there even a ‘they’ anymore?  
-He collapses onto the floor  
-Helene find him hours later  
-Crying and crying   
-And barely breathing  
-She knows what happened   
-She lets him cry  
-He deserves it  
-The next Monday  
-When Natasha asks him what’s wrong  
-Why is his face so blank?  
-He doesn’t answer  
-He turns away   
-And walks right to where Dolokhov is sitting alone and sullen  
-Dolokhov who looks worse than Anatole could’ve ever expected   
-Anatole takes his hand  
-Dolokhov lets him take  
-His mind says no but his heart  
-His heart says yes  
-Maybe things will be ok now  
-He rests his head on Anatole’s shoulder


	20. summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhh summer before these boys go to college

-So it’s the summer before they both go to college  
-They’re both going to the same college (Emerson)  
-Bc it’s always going to be Anatole and Dolokhov  
-Also this is the height of Dolokhov’s separation anxiety so   
-But I mean Anatole wanted to go there so  
-As long as he can be with Dolokhov he’s happy  
-Whatever keeps Dolokhov happy and from having a panic attack  
-He doesn’t know what he would do if he wasn’t there to help  
-Dolokhov doesn’t know what he would do if Anatole wasn’t there  
-He can’t even think about it  
-He’ll cry if he does  
-Anyway  
-Right after they graduate they move in together  
-They live in a small apartment in the heart of Boston  
-I mean the fact that they're dating is a plus to this whole situation  
-They were gonna live together anyway  
-They love it!!!  
-Dolokhov is so happy  
-It’s just him and Anatole  
-Anatole is just as happy  
-He’s finally enough for Dolokhov  
-He finally made it clear that the most special person in his life was Dolokhov  
-All he needs is Dolokhov  
-They don’t have a lot there though  
-Which means  
-Roadtrip to the ikea that’s like 20 minutes away!  
-It’s always Anatole driving and Dolokhov sitting in the passenger seat  
-With the windows open and and his feet on the dashboard  
-Anatole always tells him not to but   
-Dolokhov just laughs and does it anyway  
-Anatole’s car is still really beat up   
-It’s an old subaru his family had since he was like 10  
-Dolokhov loves it  
-That car is where they had some of their best memories  
-Riding around before their first date  
-The roadtrip they took to New York City that spring   
-So! They go to ikea  
-They’re holding hands  
-And Dolokhov is pulling him around and showing him things they could put in their apartment   
-Their apartment  
-Huh, that sounds nice doesn’t it?  
-They both internally feel like there’s a weight of their shoulders  
-They feel lighter now  
-All the people Anatole flirted with don’t exist anymore  
-This is nice  
-Domesticity is something they needed  
-Anatole can’t believe they’re actually happy and it’s actually going great  
-He might just cry in the middle of this ikea because he’s so god damn happy  
-Dolokhov is content  
-The nagging feeling that Anatole will never be his his  
-Seems to have disappeared  
-He’s happy   
-Anatole Anatole Anatole  
-His Anatole  
-Who lives with him and drives with him and holds his hands and helps him when his anxiety is too much   
-This is what loves feels like   
-Oh my god  
-They’re in love  
-They never thought it was possible   
-They always stay in bed until like noon   
-Cuddling  
-Dolokhov never wants to get up  
-Because warm  
-And Anatole  
-Anatole  
-Who stopped flirting for him  
-Who made him feel special  
-Who made him feel happy  
-Who's holding him   
-And running his fingers through his hair  
-During this summer they take a lot of walks  
-And go a lot of random places  
-Anatole drags Dolokhov on random adventures  
-He won't tell him where they're going until they get there  
-Museum dates!!!!!  
-But also they like  
-Stress a whole bunch  
-Dolokhov has a lot of panic attacks   
-Here in their new apartment  
-College is too stressful   
-Anatole, he can’t do this  
-He’s too anxious  
-Anatole sits him down  
-Holds him   
-Rests his chin on Dolokhov’s head  
-And just sits like that  
-He always lets him cry  
-He always tells him it’s alright  
-He's always there  
-They do fun things and they hang around but  
-A lot of it is staying in   
-Staying in bed until noon and doing nothing  
-Not eating breakfast until one pm   
-Still, in bed  
-Watching Netflix   
-And trying to get themselves together before college starts  
-Those days are most often  
-Anatole tries to get up before 11:30  
-But he has the weight of his very small boyfriend completely on top of him  
-Who is refusing to move  
-Because he is comfortable and what's the point of getting up  
-Still, Anatole tries  
-To no avail  
-Cuddling with the love of your life is better than getting up anyway  
-Also! They always go to bed really late  
-Sitting on their bed laughing with each other   
-Watching bad television and making comments   
-And cuddling  
-And doing what they want  
-And being happy  
-During this summer  
-Dolokhov smiles a lot more  
-And Anatole seems more sincere than ever  
-They're happy  
-A thing they didn't know they could achieve


	21. fluff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're all sad so here's some random fluff

-Dolokhov insists on cleaning alot nd anatole has to help him a lot bc as ive said, fedya dolokhov is the shortest man alive   
-But also like they always clean together  
-But also that means Anatole physically lifting Dolokhov up sometimes  
-And by sometimes I mean everytime  
-Cause he needs to get things on the top shelves and they still don’t have like a stool or ladder in their house (Anatole we need them!!!)  
-When Anatole does it though Dolokhov giggles so much  
-It’s the most adorable thing Anatole has ever heard  
-And now we’re onto the most important thing: Dolokhov’s laugh  
-Anatole loves his laugh so much  
-He could listen to it on repeat for the rest of his life  
-That’s why he loves making Dolokhov laugh  
-It’s so adorable and so sweet and so real and sincere  
-He records his laugh once  
-And makes it his ringtone  
-Forever  
-On the other hand  
-Dolokhov hates his laugh  
-A lot  
-Anatole also set his laugh as his ringtone to prove to him that is is not bad and he loves it  
-He doesn’t want him feeling self conscious bc Anatole loves every part of him  
-Even the stuff Dolokhov doesn’t like  
-Like his height and his obnoxious laugh and his tendency to be anxious about everything  
-That’s what makes Dolokhov, Dolokhov  
-Anatole wouldn’t want it any other way  
-Dolokhov loves Anatole for that  
-He’ll always be there to love the things he hates  
-Anyway!!!!  
-So I’ve mentioned this before but  
-Anatole had this jacket when he was in highschool  
-It was old and big and denim with one of those fuzzy collars  
-And it had pins he put on it  
-Dolokhov still wears it a lot  
-It’s a little big on him even now but  
-Anatole think he looks rlly hot so   
-Dolokhov always tries to get Anatole wear his glasses more  
-His round wire frame glasses  
-Dolokhov l o v es them  
-He thinks Anatole looks so good   
-His homescreen is Anatole wearing the glasses  
-On the topic of homescreens  
-Anatole’s is totally Dolokhov sleeping   
-Or him in Anatole’s clothing  
-On the subject of that,,,,,  
-Dolokhov always sleeps in Anatole’s shirts  
-Like always  
-Anatole could one be like “Fedya have you seen my shirt?”  
-And that night he sees Dolokhov wearing itjrhgt  
-He always knows  
-Always  
-Cause it’s always so long on Dolokhov  
-But like  
-Whenever has clothes he doesn’t need   
-Like hoodies and excess pajama pants  
-He will give them to Dolokhov  
-Dolokhov weeps with joy   
-Anyway  
-Dolokhov cannot sleep unless Anatole is holding him  
-But also like Anatole can’t really sleep without Dolokhov  
-So they make it work  
-Whenever Anatole is sitting  
-No matter what  
-Dolokhov will lay his head in his lap  
-Anatole will run his fingers through Dolokhov’s hair  
-They’re both content  
-They’re both happy  
-They sing together a lot  
-Dolokhov plays guitar when they do that  
-Dolokhov plays for Anatole a lot   
-It helps Anatole when he’s sad  
-Or can’t sleep  
-Or when he’s crying   
-When neither of them can sleep and it’s late and it’s awful   
-Here is what they do:  
-Talk to eachother for so long they get tired and fall asleep mid conversation  
-Tell bad puns back and forth   
-Sing  
-Have dance parties in their tiny kitchen   
-Yes that does include really cute slow dancing   
-They always end up doing that in the end   
-When they like watch movies together or anything like that  
-Dolokhov will start out next to Anatole  
-Like smushed into his side  
-And by the end he’s in Anatole’s lap   
-Anatole doesn’t mind at all  
-Anatole is like always touching Dolokhov  
-Either he’s like holding his hand  
-Or has his arms wrapped around his waist  
-Or is resting his arms on his shoulders  
-Or something  
-One of my favorite things is Anatole picking Dolokhov up alot  
-Sometimes when they’re having a lil trivial argument  
-Anatole will just pick Dolokhov up  
-Making Dolokhov laugh so much  
-God, that laugh  
-Dolokhov sings Anatole love songs a lot  
-He plays his guitar and just sings for Anatole  
-Anatole loves it so much  
-He’s cried more than once when Dolokhov did that  
-He’ll deny it but trust me he did  
-He did.   
-Dolokhov falls asleep in places that aren’t his bed a lot  
-Like a whole lot  
-Sometimes on the couch  
-Sometimes at the table with his laptop still on  
-Sometimes the floor   
-Sometimes on Anatole  
-The constant in this situation is Anatole picking up a still sleeping Dolokhov and putting him in bed  
-They both go to bed really late  
-Bc most of the time they start out doing their own things next to eachother like reading  
-But they always end up having random conversations   
-And watching tv until Dolokhov ends up falling asleep on top of Anatole  
-And Anatole has to roll him off of him  
-So he can go to sleep   
-But he isn’t moving him too much since he always has to have to be able to hold Dolokhov   
-He has to hold the love of his life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love u all


	22. middle school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst angst

-The start of sixth grade is like the start of any other year  
-Just them and no one else   
-That’s how it’s supposed to be right?  
-Apparently not  
-Not to Anatole   
-Not  
-To  
-Anatole  
-Anatole, who in the middle of the year  
-Decides he can’t be friends with Dolokhov anymore  
-The extent of his crush on Dolokhov finally settles in   
-This isn’t normal friend love   
-He doesn’t know what to do  
-So he just leaves one day   
-He starts talking to Natasha and her friends  
-It’s a desperate attempt to make himself seem normal  
-To desperately make it go away  
-Natasha  
-She’s nice and popular  
-She’s the girl he should like   
-He forces himself to like her   
-Maybe he can ignore how he really feels  
-It’s easier to ignore it   
-He never sits with Dolokhov at lunch   
-The smile he saved just for him is replaced with a deadpan expression   
-He never smiles anymore  
-He can’t stand to look Dolokhov in the eyes anymore  
-So he doesn’t  
-The first time he sits with Natasha at lunch  
-Dolokhov smiles at him  
-Warm and inviting  
-He doesn’t look for too long   
-He sits next to her   
-And smiles at her instead  
-He doesn’t care that it’s forced  
-The way Dolokhov’s smile dropped in the corner of his eye when he turned away stays in his mind the entire period   
-He cries in bathroom no one uses anymore on the first floor for an hour after that   
-When he comes to class red faced and shaken   
-Dolokhov doesn’t notice  
-He’s too busy looking down  
-After that Dolokhov never goes to lunch anymore  
-He once walked by their table  
-Their table  
-They were so unwelcoming   
-Anatole didn’t even notice him  
-None of them looked at him  
-He knew they saw him though  
-He sits in the library now  
-In an empty chair in the corner   
-The farthest one from the door  
-The library is always empty at lunch  
-So it doesn’t matter that the first time he sits there he’s sobbing quiet tears   
-He doesn’t stop until the bell rings  
-He goes home early that day   
-He’ll never know that Anatole walked by the library that day   
-He’ll never know Anatole saw him sobbing   
-He’ll never know Anatole ran down the hallway with uncontrollable tears in his eyes threatening to spill  
-He cries in the same bathroom stall he did a few days ago   
-Anatole did this   
-He did this  
-He can’t stop, though  
-He can’t  
-There’s too much of a risk   
-Dolokhov’s feelings don’t matter  
-Dolokhov starts to feel like he doesn’t matter  
-Did he ever matter to Anatole  
-It’s too much for Dolokhov to handle   
-He comes home sobbing almost everyday   
-He never talks  
-He starts avoiding Anatole completely   
-Until one day  
-He finds him standing in the hall  
-He shakily walks up to him   
-Even then Anatole was towering over him   
-It feels a lot more threatening now  
-He mutters he needs to talk to Anatole after school  
-That part of Anatole that still hasn’t let go says yes   
-They walk in silence to Dolokhov’s house  
-Dolokhov can’t think  
-He’s been reduced to radio silence  
-Anatole is overrun by thoughts  
-Thoughts that are amplified by the urge to run and never come back  
-Some part of him stays and he curses that part of him   
-They have a fight in the emptiness of Dolokhov’s house   
-It’s yelling and yelling   
-It’s emotion reverberating off the walls   
-It doesn’t make sense   
-They can’t understand  
-It ends when Dolokhov musters all the power he can   
-And screams for Anatole to get out  
-It’s so loud  
-Anatole had never heard him be that loud  
-It’ll haunt him for days  
-When he comes home shaking and crying an hour late  
-He doesn’t tell Helene why  
-She didn’t really want to know   
-She knew he caused all of this  
-She wanted him to fix it   
-She lets him cry  
-He deserves it  
-Dolokhov walks into school that way hiding tears   
-Tears he can’t stop   
-He doesn’t make it to first period  
-He gets pulled into the guidance office   
-He can’t talk   
-All he says is a name  
-It sounds foreign  
-He hasn’t said it in so long  
-Anatole.  
-They bring him to the office too  
-They go in circles  
-Angry circles  
-Of screaming  
-And crying   
-They’re crying for two different reasons   
-Dolokhov is crying because  
-Because  
-Why is Anatole treating him this way  
-Why is this happening?  
-Does Anatole he’s liked him for years and years and does he hate him for it?  
-Anatole is crying because he doesn’t understand  
-Dolokhov doesn’t understand  
-They can’t stop yelling   
-By the end   
-Anatole refuses to cry  
-Dolokhov is crying more than he ever has  
-He can’t stop  
-Anatole walks out first  
-Dolokhov goes home early  
-This is the first time in weeks Anatole hasn’t cried in the bathroom  
-He feels off though  
-He looks off   
-When is new “friends” ask him if he’s okay  
-He doesn’t answer  
-He doesn’t know  
-He doesn’t know   
-He doesn’t know  
-This carries on for a year  
-Anatole desperately trying to forget the only real friend he ever had  
-Dolokhov trying to hang onto the only real friend he ever had   
-Dolokhov doesn’t cry over it in seventh grade  
-He’s beyond crying  
-It takes too much to cry   
-Anatole cries more than ever  
-Why did he does this  
-He caused such a shit storm   
-It was so stupid  
-He was so stupid   
-He asks Dolokhov to meet him in the bathroom right before honors math   
-It’s not the one he’s cried more times than he can count   
-Dolokhov does  
-He doesn’t know why  
-Some part of him thinks maybe they’ll be ok  
-Anatole apologizes   
-He actually apologizes  
-He cries a little   
-Scratch that a lot  
-He’s so sorry  
-He hurt Dolokhov so much  
-He cares so much about Dolokhov  
-He was so reckless   
-So inconsiderate   
-Dolokhov cries too  
-He wants to forgive him  
-But not just yet  
-He tells Anatole that  
-It’s a start, at least  
-They leave the bathroom feeling just a little bit lighter that day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if i ruined you but i love angst dgvgdhbgu


	23. just a lil thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im love dodie clark and im love danatole therefore,,, some of her songs = danatole

-would you be so kind - which is dolokhov from like middle school to high school (and anatole when he finally realizes that its ok that he likes dolokhov at the end of sophomore year) (trust me)  
-intertwined - it’s just danatole in the way that i imagine them  
-you - uhh it’s dolokhov after him and anatole first started dating and they had that whole fight/ also him when anatole left him for natasha twice, and being upset over the whole thing but also really wanting it to work  
-adored by him - again, dolokhov in middle school/high school (also this song is totally dolokhov @ natasha trust me)  
-secret for the mad - anatole trying to help dolokhov when he’s having really, really bad anxiety (i’m weeping)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am posting tonight but here's a little something!!!!


	24. haha angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> high school angst + anatole's abusive bf

-Freshman year is good   
-It’s just good  
-Dolokhov is still trying to piece himself back together  
-But he’s ok  
-He’s ok he’s ok he’s ok   
-That’s what he tells himself  
-But  
-All the shit he went through in middle school had a huge effect on him  
-So  
-He’s pushed his crush on Anatole so far down into his mind he barely remembers it  
-It’s the only thing he thought he could do   
-He was desperate   
-He needed it go away  
-Sophomore year, is much, much worse  
-It gets rough  
-Like horribly rough  
-Though it’s different for the both of them  
-Anatole’s year, starts off great  
-First off Anatole starts dating someone  
-I don’t care enough about him to give him a name so i’m calling him asshole  
-Ok  
-Anatole is overjoyed  
-Someone, a senior! Is showing interest in him  
-Like actual interest   
-It’s wonderful  
-He can finally, maybe, let go of Dolokhov   
-Or at least the crush that has been haunting him forever  
-Dolokhov’s year, starts off horribly   
-Anatole has a boyfriend now  
-His crush resurfaces  
-And it bubbles over  
-He feels like he’s losing Anatole all over again  
-All over again  
-But in the worse way he could have imagined   
-He’s beginning to accept that he’ll never have a chance with Anatole   
-He’s not good enough  
-Anatole will always leave him for other people  
-He feels heartbroken all the time  
-And not to mention his anxiety is getting worse and worse   
-And his adhd isn’t helping either  
-His brain has been reduced to static   
-But, god, at least Anatole is still talking to him  
-He hasn’t lost him fully, right?  
-Things are okay  
-He’s good with okay  
-He can deal with okay, for now  
-He wants them to be better  
-They aren’t okay for long  
-He stops doing his work  
-He can’t focus he can’t   
-He’s too nervous to do anything  
-It didn’t take long until something started happening  
-Anatole never talked about his boyfriend anymore  
-He’s more quiet  
-He doesn’t assert himself into their conversations   
-Where are the bruises on his face coming from?  
-It takes Dolokhov too long  
-It takes too many quiet days   
-It takes too many days where Anatole wasn’t there  
-It takes too many days of asking what’s wrong and not getting an answer  
-It takes too many days of not know anything about the boyfriend   
-It takes too many days to figure it out  
-He curses himself  
-He was stupid, so oblivious   
-He knows Anatole better than himself  
-He hates himself  
-This might as well be his fault   
-It also takes too many detentions from fighting too many people for Dolokhov to figure out what he needs to do   
-He’s going to fight the bastard  
-Dolokhov  
-Who has only been 16 for a few months  
-Who is the shortest person in his grade  
-Dolokhov  
-He is so small everyone often forgets how strong he is   
-They aren’t aware of how angry he can get   
-But it won’t be long until they know  
-And, oh how they will know   
-He won’t do it just yet.   
-It hurts to sit by and watch Anatole getting hurt over and over again  
-It hurts so much  
-He can’t do this  
-He cries hugging his knees to his chest   
-It carries on   
-He doesn’t break until  
-Until  
-Helene tells him she saw the bastard hit Anatole across the face  
-Hard.   
-He unleashes  
-He waits. Until the end of the day one Monday   
-No one’s around at this point   
-He doesn’t confront him  
-He walks silent unassuming steps   
-And unleashes all of the anger and hurt he’s felt   
-It’s a blur  
-He can’t feel pain  
-He can’t feel anything that shithead is doing to him  
-Because he’s not really  
-Dolokhov’s winning.   
-He can’t stop  
-He let’s it happen  
-His mind goes black  
-He keeps kicking  
-And punching  
-His nose is bleeding really badly now and he’s sure he’s got a black eye   
-But he think he broke the guys nose and his ribs  
-He doesn’t stop until someone is pulling him up  
-Pulling him up and away  
-He shouts  
-He shouts that that was for hurting his best and only friend  
-And he’ll get what’s coming if he continues   
-His nose and ribs won’t be the only things that will be broken next time  
-He puts one hand on Anatole again  
-He will be six feet under.   
-Who’s pulling him back?  
-Who’s calling him Fedya  
-Why are there sirens?  
-He hears yelling  
-It’s Anatole   
-He wasn’t supposed to know.  
-He’s upset?  
-Why is he upset?  
-Why is mad?  
-Why is he mad that he hurt his asshole of a boyfriend?  
-Why did it come to this?  
-All he can do is stare  
-And let the blood from his nose, and lip drip  
-He almost gets arrested   
-He doesn’t care  
-He didn’t anyway  
-He spends the night getting yelled at by his parents until the blood from his nose has and face has dried and it’s all he can taste and until the pain in his left eye and temple has reduced to a dull ache  
-He spends the next day, exhausted and achey, in the principals office   
-He was so close to getting expelled  
-He got suspended until the end of the week   
-When he gets back his black eye isn’t gone yet  
-And his bruises are still fresh   
-And his best friend is gone  
-He’s still with shithead   
-He keeps trying  
-Trying to reach out to Anatole  
-Anatole this isn’t normal  
-I wouldn’t almost get arrested trying to fight him if something is wrong   
-Anatole dismisses him  
-You fight people all the time. Didn’t you say it was because of your anxiety and adhd? Didn’t you tell me that was your “outlet”? This doesn’t seem different. Get better and maybe we can talk.”  
-Dolokhov cries   
-He lets Anatole see that   
-Then he leaves  
-He goes home early that day  
-It feels oddly familiar.   
-And that’s what hurts him most  
-He doesn’t want this to happen again  
-And yet, he feels comfort in the way the hurt opens his arms to him all over again  
-It’s familiar.   
-He accepts it   
-But it’s new, too  
-There’s hate in the mix now.  
-He acts out even more  
-He has panic attacks daily   
-He cries every day   
-He stays away from Anatole  
-Until  
-Anatole comes to him  
-He’s crying   
-He was so blind  
-He was so hurt  
-He thinks what Dolokhov did was brave  
-And right  
-Dolokhov tells him he hasn’t gotten any better  
-Anatole says that that is more than ok  
-He’s here to help, if Dolokhov will let him  
-It feels good to let him in again  
-It doesn’t matter what Anatole said  
-He isn’t getting hurt anymore  
-That’s all Dolokhov cares about  
-He’s too in love to care about anything else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry ill post more fluff soon


	25. hoh!dolokhov

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love this also shoutout to the nutmobile chat u guys are allstars for helping me and giving me ideas

-They’re in high school  
-It’s junior year now  
-Dolokhov still fights people  
-He can’t help it  
-He can’t turn down a good fight  
-No matter how much Anatole wants him to stop  
-He’s ok with getting hurt  
-Then it happens, one day right after school  
-A fight is getting particularly rough  
-Too rough  
-They hit him on the side of the head  
-Hard.  
-His hearing gets muffled and there’s a slight ring but he doesn’t care   
-They slam the left side of his head against a railing outside the school  
-And more times than he would have liked   
-He would possibly be ok with it once   
-But more than that?  
-No.  
-And they didn’t stop at one   
-They slammed his head again  
-And again  
-Did they only do it three times?   
-He doesn’t know  
-He blacked out for a few seconds  
-Jesus Christ, that hurt more than he expected   
-Why does it hurt so much  
-The ringing in his left ear is unbearable   
-His head hurts  
-He’s fairly sure he has a concussion   
-He’s on the ground?   
-The person he was fighting is over him  
-They hit his head onto the ground once more before they leave   
-His head hurts so bad   
-Does he even have a left ear anymore  
-He didn’t know he was crying  
-Until he felt them leaking out, and onto the ground  
-And Anatole is here? To his left  
-He hadn’t heard him walk - no run over   
-He’s talking? He’s saying something   
-It’s muffled   
-He can’t make it out   
-His ear is ringing far too loudly now   
-Is Anatole crying?  
-He doesn’t know  
-He’s not wearing his glasses either so he doesn’t know  
-Everything to his left is extremely muffled  
-This is not good  
-Oh not at all   
-What does he say?  
-He opens his mouth but it seems words aren’t there  
-Where did they go?  
-He’s confused  
-Also, suddenly he feels, not good  
-Worse than before  
-He sits up quickly   
-And throws up to the side of Anatole  
-Oh no sitting is not fun  
-He wants to lay down  
-Right now  
-Sitting is not something he wants to be doing right now  
-He is NOT having a good time  
-Wait why is Anatole screaming?  
-He can hear that, at least   
-Anatole lifts him up  
-Anatole is carrying him  
-Anatole holding him is nice   
-But his head feels like its full  
-And his vision is blurred   
-More than it is already   
-He starts crying   
-Oh god what’s happening to him  
-Is he having a panic attack?  
-Oh my god he is  
-Why is it so bright   
-He can’t stop crying  
-What if he dies  
-Everything hurts so bad  
-He can’t hear out of his left ear  
-Oh my god oh my god oh my god   
-He’s hyperventilating   
-He’s sobbing  
-Anatole at this point is   
-Not good  
-His best friend and the love of his life  
-Is hurt really badly  
-He saw it all and he thinks Dolokhov lost hearing in his left ear  
-And he thinks he has a bad concussion  
-He needs to get him to a hospital as fast as he can  
-He’s very close to a panic attack but Dolokhov, who is literally having a panic attack does not need that stress   
-He gets him in his car  
-Okay, so far so good  
-Now all he needs to do is get there  
-But Dolokhov is sobbing and he needs to control his breathing or else he might faint and right now, that is so not good  
-Anatole needs to help him  
-He needs to calm him down  
-He takes his hand   
-He rubs his thumb over his hand   
-He sings  
-And he drives   
-They get to the hospital in one piece   
-Dolokhov is slightly calmer   
-Anatole is thankful for that  
-This is all so heartbreaking  
-Dolokhov got so hurt today  
-He hates seeing him break down   
-Anyway, they have a hospital to go to, emotions are for empty hospital rooms anyway, not the parking lot  
-It’s a long afternoon that turns into an even longer evening   
-It’s bad  
-Dolokhov hates it in there  
-The lights are too bright he can’t look it’s uncomfortable  
-And he can’t stop throwing up  
-Dolokhov has to stay overnight   
-Just to make sure he’s alright  
-He hates it  
-This is the worst day of his life  
-What he hates the most, though  
-Is that the hearing loss in his left ear is permanent   
-The doctor suggested a hearing aid  
-If suggested meant told him and his parents he needed one  
-He doesn’t want to wear it  
-He’s not weak.   
-He doesn’t want to be seen as weak  
-He’s 17. He has a hearing aid. He’s already small. Being hard of hearing makes it so much worse  
-Anatole tells him he’ll still be himself   
-But, just with a hearing aid  
-Dolokhov pretends he doesn’t hear it despite the fact that Anatole was speaking into his good ear  
-Anatole stays with him all night   
-Dolokhov is thankful for that  
-But he doesn’t know what else to feel besides well,  
-Angry, upset, broken, weak.  
-When he’s back from the hospital relatively recovered with a new hearing aid that he wants to break  
-Anatole suggests he learns asl  
-He’ll learn it too  
-They can use it when words are too much, and when he doesn’t want to use his hearing aid, and it can help even if he’s wearing it  
-Because Anatole knows that his hearing aid will most likely go untouched   
-Dolokhov likes the idea  
-He wears his hearing aid  
-But he hates it  
-He hates touching it  
-It’s a reminder of his weakness  
-During the month that it happened he’s so angry  
-Why did this have to happen to him  
-Him! Fedya Dolokhov who used to win every fight  
-Fedya Dolokhov who lost hearing in his left ear, has a hearing aid and can’t fight anymore  
-He can’t, not after that  
-No matter how much he wants to   
-Anatole will never left him  
-He’s too weak anyway.  
-He constantly switches between wearing his hearing aid and not  
-When he wears it he feels weak  
-When he doesn’t he feels even more weak  
-He can’t hear for shit   
-It makes him mad, mad at himself  
-Why did he have to lose his hearing  
-Why can’t he hear  
-Anatole makes him wear it  
-“You’re still you. You’re still fierce”  
-He always says that but Dolokhov never believes him  
-He wears it because it helps, that’s it.   
-He doesn’t wear it because he needs it  
-He wouldn’t admit this, but he wears it for Anatole  
-But only the dark parts of his thoughts know that  
-He should have broken it as soon as he got it.   
-What does Anatole know?  
-Slowly, slowly the hate starts to dissipate   
-His hearing aid helps and so he wears it  
-He doesn’t feel as weak anymore  
-Him and Anatole talk a lot in asl  
-It’s nice  
-He likes it  
-When he has panic attacks they sign   
-Because words are too much for him when his anxiety gets bad   
-When they get together  
-They always sign i love you to eachother in passing  
-It never gets old  
-Dolokhov doesn’t hate his hearing aid anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't angst right? right?


	26. fluff w light hurt/comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im love hoh!dolokhov and will hold onto this hc until i die.

-Things  
-Things are ok  
-Things are better  
-He’s getting used to his hearing aid  
-People aren’t as mean as he thought they would be  
-And Anatole hasn’t left   
-In fact, he’s dating Anatole  
-It’s nice  
-It’s more than nice  
-It’s amazing   
-Whatever hope he had that Anatole would like him back left him the night of that horrid fight  
-But, by some miracle he does  
-Anatole doesn’t make him feel weak   
-He makes him feel like Dolokhov  
-The Dolokhov that existed before the fight  
-The Dolokhov that can hear   
-He makes him feel like himself again  
-Dolokhov forgets his hearing aid a lot  
-It’s not a conscious decision   
-He just forgets  
-And then he feels horrible and confused   
-Anatole, never wants that   
-So he always makes sure he has an extra hearing aid with him and extra batteries just in case  
-Dolokhov is so happy that he’s always there to help him  
-When they live together, Dolokhov still forgets to put on his hearing aid  
-Anatole always remembers   
-On those days, he puts on for him   
-And kisses his nose   
-And smiles  
-Dolokhov smiles back   
-At school, when Dolokhov forgets his hearing aid  
-And Anatole hasn’t started bringing an extra one  
-Dolokhov starts to panic  
-What is he going to do?  
-How is he going to survive in class?  
-Will anyone understand?  
-He’s having a panic attack   
-Anatole calms him down   
-He stays with him as much as he can  
-And signs anything he can’t hear for him   
-They talk a lot in asl  
-They,, like talk shit about people right in front of the people they’re talking about  
-Dolokhov is getting so much better about dealing with his hearing loss  
-Anatole is so proud of him for it  
-But, not everything is ok  
-Some people aren’t so nice   
-Some people aren’t so nice to him about his bad ear and his hearing aid  
-Sometimes they make him feel weak  
-Everytime he remembers he can’t defend himself anymore  
-Not in the way he would like  
-Not in any way  
-Words fail him everytime  
-But, Anatole is there, everytime   
-Comforting him and putting the shitty people in their place   
-Those days Dolokhov feels so weak he barely talks  
-Anatole talks to him anyone  
-He knows he won’t get a response  
-But he wants Dolokhov to know he isn’t weak   
-He’s the strongest person Anatole knows   
-And he isn’t any less normal to him   
-That’s the first time Anatole says I love you  
-It’s been almost a year   
-But some people still aren’t that nice  
-It gets bad on one particular day and Dolokhov can’t take it anymore  
-He’s in the empty forgotten bathroom  
-He’s taken his hearing aid off  
-He’s so close to breaking it   
-Why is he so w e a k   
-He isn’t crying, though  
-He’s not sad  
-Not really  
-He’s angry   
-Anatole finds him there, shaking   
-He puts his hearing aid back on him  
-And kisses his nose  
-And tells Dolokhov he loves him   
-He loves every part of him  
-They both go home early and spend the rest of the day at Anatole’s house  
-Making eachother laugh  
-Anatole making Dolokhov laugh  
-It’s been a while since he heard that sound  
-Anatole, trying to count every single one of Dolokhov’s freckles   
-Anatole, wearing his glasses  
-And making Dolokhov’s face hurt from smiling so much  
-Dolokhov hasn’t smiled in a while  
-It feels, strange  
-But around Anatole it feels like second nature  
-It’s just the two of them   
-Wrapped in blankets  
-Dolokhov wearing Anatole’s clothes  
-Dolokhov wearing his glasses  
-That no one knows he has because he hates them  
-He’ll wear them around Anatole  
-He trusts Anatole more than anyone in the world  
-Anatole who gives him his hoodies and lets him paint his nails despite that Dolokhov is very bad at it, saying he doesn’t care because it’s Dolokhov who did it  
-Anatole who calls him Fedya   
-Who puts love into every syllable when calling him that  
-Dolokhov hates being called Fedya   
-He hates when people call him that  
-Except for Anatole   
-Anatole who hugs him like life depends on it  
-Who kisses him   
-And cuddles him  
-A lot  
-And makes him feel safe  
-Loved and important and strong and normal   
-The next day at school Dolokhov is wearing Anatole’s hoodie, his hearing aid and a smile so wide you would think nothing in his life ever went wrong  
-It didn’t, really  
-Not when he has Anatole


	27. dolokhov staying at anatole nd helenes house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love hs au

-Dolokhov doesn’t like his parents very much   
-They don’t really like him either  
-He’s rebellious and aggressive   
-He doesn’t focus in school  
-He skips class  
-He spends too much time with that Anatole Kuragin and his sister  
-He gets into too much trouble  
-And gets himself hurt   
-They’re convinced he’s going to kill himself one day  
-Dolokhov will never tell them that he was fighting for Anatole  
-Trying to protect him  
-He isn’t in class because he’s either having a panic attack or doesn’t have his hearing aid and can’t be in class, not right now  
-That he’s holding Anatole because Anatole is having a panic attack  
-That he can’t focus in school because his adhd and anxiety is so bad   
-And they refuse to acknowledge it   
-They’re barely home, so it doesn’t matter to Dolokhov anymore  
-He has his meds, he has his hearing aid, he has Anatole  
-He spends most of his nights with Anatole and Helene at their house  
-He wish he had their strength to be able to move out   
-They had to for safety reasons, but Dolokhov will envy them forever   
-He would do anything to get out  
-Away from the parents that ignore his hearing aid and his requests to use asl sometimes and refuse to acknowledge that he has a relationship  
-A relationship with Anatole  
-And a damn good one  
-He has a supportive, kind and very attractive boyfriend, thank you very much.  
-So he stays with them as much as he can   
-It becomes a routine   
-It starts slow  
-With Dolokhov coming over every afternoon and leaving late at night  
-Then sleeping over  
-And Anatole and Dolokhov being pressed together in Anatole’s bed but not in the comfortable way  
-Well, yes, in that way but also in the ‘this bed is way too small for the both of us’   
-They cuddle even closer anyway   
-Then he comes over straight from school  
-In the front seat of Anatole’s car   
-Laughing  
-And holding his hand  
-And he stays the night  
-He always goes home in the morning  
-He’s always expecting his parents to be there  
-They’re not.  
-He stops going home in the morning  
-He goes to school with Anatole  
-He slowly brings in some of his possessions  
-A piece of clothing   
-His schoolbag   
-A book  
-His extra hearing aid   
-He keeps most of his stuff there  
-Some nights he has to go back to his house  
-He doesn’t think of it as his anymore  
-Some nights his parents are there  
-He always ends up leaving through his window at three am when they are  
-He parents never seem to care  
-Anatole does, though  
-Dolokhov thinks about that more than he would care to admit   
-He shrugs it off  
-Sometimes he comes over later in the afternoon  
-When his parents are back   
-He’s upset and shaking  
-His parents were yelling at him again  
-Again  
-Just like they always do  
-Because he’s always doing something wrong  
-Sometimes even existing is wrong to his parents  
-Anatole holds him tight  
-And whispers to him  
-But starts signing when he sees Dolokhov can’t talk anymore  
-He’s okay with that  
-As long as he’s communication  
-On those nights, Anatole puts one of his old hoodies on Dolokhov and wraps him in a blanket   
-And kisses his nose  
-Dolokhov loves that   
-And makes him giggle   
-He wants to hear Dolokhov’s laugh forever  
-So he’ll do anything to hear it  
-It doesn’t take much for Dolokhov to laugh, though  
-And so he’ll just hold Dolokhov and let whatever he was feeling pass and let him be loved  
-They go to sleep wrapped up in eachother on those nights  
-Anatole is always so happy everytime Dolokhov comes over  
-Dolokhov actually likes him!!! And is willing to spend his days and nights with Anatole  
-But, his heart breaks  
-Dolokhov shouldn’t have to stay over because his parents are never there, though  
-He wishes that wasn’t the case  
-But he knows he can always try to be there for him  
-It’s all he can do   
-Helene, however doesn’t care what Dolokhov does  
-The fact that he’s there just means for her that she needs to set another plate at the table  
-It’s no big deal  
-She likes Dolokhov  
-She would never admit this but  
-She’s happy they’re actually happy  
-They’re disgustingly adorable, though  
-And she hates him for it  
-They’re attached at the hip  
-They’re always together  
-Making out and laughing  
-While she’s supposed to be cooking  
-She’d make Anatole do it but god  
-She doesn’t want another repeat of the horrible kitchen incident of 2015, 2016 and 2017  
-Dolokhov helps sometimes  
-He’s good   
-It’s nice  
-They feel like a little family  
-Dolokhov finally feels like he has a family  
-And now,,,on to what they like do on a daily basis n such  
-Mornings are tough  
-They hate mornings  
-They’re both jumbled together in a comfortable mess  
-And school is so early  
-And they’re too in love  
-Helene eventually comes into Anatole’s (and Dolokhov’s tbh) room and starts shouting  
-God, she hates teenagers  
-God, she essentially lives with two of them  
-And God, they’re in love  
-They slowly get ready  
-They’re helping eachother while stealing little kisses (mainly Anatole does that. He loves kissing Dolokhov’s nose)  
-So they can get ready faster   
-School is just school  
-They still with eachother as much as they can  
-For their own sake  
-So nothing goes wrong  
-When they get home  
-Anatole literally has to carry Dolokhov into the house because he is tired and small  
-And he deserves it   
-Dolokhov sleeps in the afternoon a lot  
-Anatole hates nap but he always ends up joining him  
-But, sometimes they sit together on Anatole’s bed and watch movies and tv and just exist  
-With Dolokhov resting his head on Anatole’s chest with Anatole’s arms tightly wound around his (tiny) waist  
-Homework,,is tough though  
-Anatole always has to help Dolokhov  
-And Dolokhov always has to help Anatole  
-Dolokhov has breakdowns over assignments a lot  
-Anatole will always be there to give him an anxiety med, some water and most importantly unconditional love   
-Dolokhov always feel lighter after that   
-Though, for Anatole, homework gets to be too much for him  
-His brain and his dyslexia are working against him  
-Dolokhov is always there to wipe his tears and calm him down  
-And help him work through his homework  
-With calmness and care   
-Anatole is always eternally grateful  
-They always eat dinner together  
-Anatole, Dolokhov and Helene   
-And they hang out in the living room  
-A concept: Dolokhov sitting in Anatole’s lap with Anatole’s arms around his waist sitting with Helene watching a movie and laughing and making comments  
-Dolokhov likes it better here than with his parents  
-It’s much warmer  
-More full of love  
-Love from Anatole  
-That’s the only love he needs


	28. anatole angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anatole loses a limb whoop

-I wish I could say it happened when he was young  
-Anatole wished it happened when he was young  
-He wished Fedya wasn’t there   
-It would’ve been easier to deal with  
-It wouldn’t have been his fault  
-He wouldn’t hate himself more than he already does  
-Perhaps he wouldn’t hate himself at all  
-But that’s just a wish  
-Wishes rarely come true.   
-It didn’t happen when he was young  
-Fedya was there  
-It wasn’t easy to deal with  
-It //was// his fault  
-He hates himself more than he already does.  
-It was night  
-They needed to get home   
-They needed to get Helene home  
-She couldn’t get there on her own  
-She sat in the front seat  
-Dolokhov is in the back  
-Anatole offered to drive  
-He’s not good with driving  
-But it’s worse when it’s at night  
-Not even his glasses can help  
-Things were going okay   
-They were almost home  
-Then something happens   
-A car happens  
-He tries to swerve  
-The car comes crashing into Helenes side  
-Then it all went black  
-That’s what Fedya told him, at least   
-He doesn’t remember the accident  
-Or really what happened before   
-He wishes Fedya didn’t tell him  
-See, there’s another bullet point on the endless list of things he wished hadn’t happened  
-He wanted to forget the whole thing  
-Forget the guilt  
-And the pain  
-He wanted to forget everything  
-He wasn’t that lucky   
-He supposes he deserves to know  
-To remember  
-He did this  
-He doesn’t deserve wishes  
-Not now.  
-He was in a coma for a week, Fedya told him   
-His left calf was twisted and bruised and broken as it got caught in the crash  
-So bad they had to amputate it   
-Right below the knee  
-He wasn’t awake   
-He woke up seven days later  
-Gasping and confused  
-Crying at Fedya who had just sprung up from the chair he dozing off in   
-He didn’t look sleepy anymore  
-His face is bruised   
-Oh my god was he there when it happened  
-Was he?  
-What even happened  
-He knows something did, but he doesn’t know what  
-He doesn’t remember  
-Oh my god why can’t he remember  
-What happened to Fedya?  
-Was he okay?  
-Wait.   
-What happened to his left leg?  
-What day is it?  
-How long was he asleep?  
-He can’t stop babbling  
-Mumbling his questions through unstoppable tears  
-While Fedya holds his hand and rubs circles over it with his thumb  
-He waits for him to calm down and he tells him everything  
-The crash  
-His leg  
-Helene.  
-Helene.   
-Who got hurt the most  
-Who is still in a coma   
-Who might not wake up  
-Who, even if she does wake up, will wake up with anterograde amnesia   
-Who’s still in the ICU   
-Anatole is crying now   
-Part of him is crying for Helene  
-And the other, selfish, in love part of him is crying because throughout that whole story  
-Dolokhov never said what happened to him  
-He never said if he was okay  
-All he wants to know is that Dolokhov was okay  
-That part of him forgot about Helene   
-He wishes that little part   
-The part that forgot all about Helene and her current state  
-Wasn’t a part  
-He wants to completely forget   
-Hah, another wish that will never be granted  
-Because it is selfish   
-And it is made in a confused, shocked, delirious state blurred by tears  
-Those are the worst kinds of wishes  
-Through tears, he asks if Dolokhov is okay  
-That’s all he wants to know   
-Dolokhov laughs and tells him not to worry about him, he’s okay  
-Only a few bruised ribs, and some other cuts and bruises  
-The “only” makes Anatole want to sink into the floor and turn to dust  
-He hurt Dolokhov  
-No matter how small the injuries  
-This was his fault  
-All of this  
-Helene.  
-His leg.  
-The crash.  
-He’s bad at driving.  
-He can’t drive at night  
-He shouldn’t have offered   
-He feels so //stupid//  
-Stupid Stupid Stupid  
-He deserved losing his leg  
-He deserved his week long coma   
-He stays in the hospital for a while longer  
-He doesn’t know how long  
-The days pass in a blur of sadness, self-hatred, and Fedya   
-Thank god he still has Fedya  
-Who signs when Anatole feels too tired and horrid to talk  
-Who’s always in the chair right next to his bed  
-Holding his hand  
-And singing to him  
-And running his hands through his hair   
-The day he brought in his guitar was the best day Anatole had ever since he ended up in the hospital  
-He smiled a lot that day  
-He forgot the guilt for a while  
-He forgot the horridness that was residing in his throat  
-He was just Anatole, being happy with Fedya  
-When Fedya had fallen asleep, the guitar set down and the room went dark  
-Those feelings came back  
-And Anatole wished they didn’t  
-And another wish that will get thrown into the void as soon as they were thought  
-Another wish that will go ignored.   
-Good.   
-He doesn’t deserve those wishes  
-They’re too good for him.   
-He comes home even worse than he ever was  
-He has a prosthetic now  
-It makes him feel ugly.  
-He feels like Anatole, but worse  
-He doesn’t want it  
-It’s a constant reminder of what he did  
-He feels like he’s getting worse  
-He’s spirally downward   
-Fedya is holding tightly onto him, though  
-Fedya can’t let him fall that far   
-Everyday he holds him  
-And lets him cry  
-And tells him it’s not his fault  
-Helene is going to be okay, the doctor said it himself  
-He’s okay.  
-They’re both okay.  
-His prosthetic doesn’t have to be a reminder of the bad  
-Of his guilt, his faults  
-It can be a reminder of the good   
-Of the fact that he survived  
-And is here in Fedya’s arms  
-It’s a slow, troubling process  
-But, day by day Anatole starts to believe him   
-Though, sometimes the guilt and the shame rise in his throat and it takes all he has to make sure he doesn’t throw it all up again  
-He has Fedya, he can get through this  
-He wishes he could get through this  
-But, the subject of wishes hasn’t been too forgiving to him


	29. dolokhov angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's going to private school nd its bad

-They’re going to high school  
-But they won’t be together  
-Anatole is going to the private one six blocks away  
-Of //course// he is.  
-Of course.  
-He pretends he’s fine when Anatole tells him  
-He doesn’t cry or shout   
-He’ll be okay  
-The public school isn’t so bad?  
-It is when you don’t have Anatole.  
-It’s not even the end of eighth grade and he still knows  
-It’ll be shit without the one light in his life  
-Without the love of his life  
-He ignores that last part  
-He lets himself grieve and he makes a decision  
-He knows he can’t afford to get in on his own but he’s smart and that’s all he can count on  
-It’s all he can ever count on  
-He worked his ass off that summer  
-Just to be close with Anatole  
-He was that desperate, and anxious and still broken  
-Still broken by what Anatole did a few months back  
-He’ll never really recover  
-He knows that deep down  
-He ignores that, too  
-He keeps working  
-And working and working and working  
-And working  
-So he forgets  
-It helps him focus  
-He can’t have a crush on Anatole, not right now  
-Even if that is what drove him to do this  
-Late at night, when he’s staring at the ceiling unable to sleep he’ll push that thought down and lie and tell himself that he wanted to get in because it was better than the public school  
-He believes and he believes  
-It never becomes concrete enough for it to mask the truth  
-And by some miracle  
-He gets in  
-Maybe wishes do come true  
-Maybe he’s destined to be with Anatole  
-He wishes he was destined to be with Anatole  
-He’s beginning to think anything is possible  
-It dissipates as soon as the first day comes around the corner  
-He’s there  
-Finally there  
-Standing side by side with Anatole, who fits right in  
-But Dolokhov doesn’t  
-He’s standing in a place he feels like he shouldn’t be  
-He feels out of place  
-He feels too  
-Too //poor  
-Too ragged  
-Too aggressive  
-Too Dolokhov.  
-His messy hair and his wrinkled uniform he almost didn’t get and his adhd and his anxiety have no place here  
-He’s not where he should be  
-All the kids are looking at him  
-Why are they looking at him  
-With judging eyes and knowing uncomfortable glances  
-He has a panic attack five minutes before the bell  
-When he looks in mirror and tries to flatten his hair  
-The hair that won’t do anything no matter how hard he tries  
-He straightens his uniform  
-And he tells himself maybe things will be okay  
-He leaves the bathroom with newly formed hidden tears that somehow knew things weren’t to be okay  
-They were only going to get worse  
-He hates this school  
-How it treats him  
-How it barely accommodates him  
-He doesn’t hate Anatole, though  
-Not yet  
-He has classes with him  
-Things are normal and okay  
-Anatole stays with him as much as he can  
-He’s glad Dolokhov is going to school with him  
-He couldn’t deal with distance  
-But.  
-There’s always a but  
-Whenever their classmates and even the upperclassmen  
-Would make fun of him for being poor  
-For not going on any of the field trips  
-Whenever they constantly judge everything he does  
-When they don’t understand and mock his anxious demeanor  
-And his unfocused brain  
-And his aggressive manner  
-And they scrutinize him for it  
-For everything  
-For not fitting in  
-For being the farthest thing from rich and successful  
-For not being like those stuck up assholes that surround him  
-That surround his every move  
-Anatole doesn’t do anything  
-He lets it happen  
-He keeps his mouth closed in a tight line  
-He lets it happen  
-It happens a lot  
-He barely blinks  
-He never stirs  
-He lets Dolokhov panic and fidget and cry  
-He watches him break down  
-He offers little comfort  
-When Dolokhov breaks down one day in his room, sitting next to Anatole and Anatole  
-Oh Anatole  
-Can’t say anything  
-He doesn’t know how to respond  
-Of course he doesn’t  
-He never will  
-Dolokhov shuts him out after that  
-He’s just like them  
-He’s just like every one of them  
-He’ll never be anything different  
-Dolokhov wonders why Anatole was worth all this trouble when he’s all alone  
-He wonders this after he told Anatole to leave  
-He wasn’t worth it.  
-God, he made a mistake  
-A stupid crush made him do this  
-Anatole isn’t worth it  
-Anatole isn’t worth getting bullied  
-Anatole isn’t worth getting called poor everyday  
-Anatole isn’t worth being judged for everything you do  
-Dolokhov soldiers on  
-He soon lets his tears collect behind his eyes  
-He throws away his rage  
-He never lets Anatole see it  
-He never lets Anatole see him anymore  
-Anatole doesn’t seem to mind  
-But he doesn’t think about him much anymore  
-He wonders if Anatole thinks about him  
-He probably doesn’t  
-It’s better this way, anyway  
-Or at least that’s what he tells himself everyday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pt 2 of this from anatole's perspective will be up soon ;)))


	30. anatole angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last chapters hcs but from anatoles perspective

-He doesn’t know what to feel, really  
-Except sad maybe  
-He’s being forced to go to the private high school  
-The one six blocks away  
-The one he knows Dolokhov can’t afford to go to  
-He needs to go, his parents tell him  
-Can’t go to the public anymore  
-It’s bad for him  
-And that Dolokhov? He’s a bad influence  
-He doesn’t oppose  
-He knows he can’t  
-He fakes a smile and nods  
-Part of him is grateful, though  
-Maybe he can finally forget that god awful crush that has plagued him for years  
-The crush he can’t seem to shake  
-He tells Dolokhov the day after  
-He watches as the color drains from Dolokhov’s face  
-He watches him cover whatever he was feeling as quickly as he could  
-He watches him smile tell him it’s fine  
-It’s okay  
-They’re still okay  
-They both know that’s a lie  
-He barely sees Dolokhov that summer  
-He doesn’t really comprehend why  
-He said he was doing summer work?  
-He really doesn’t know  
-He just listened when Dolokhov told him he was going to be busy  
-He didn’t offer an explanation  
-So Anatole didn’t ask  
-Anatole spends the summer with Helene  
-Helene  
-She was the only one who really paid attention to him that summer  
-Taking him places their parents wouldn’t let him go to  
-Letting him see Dolokhov on the off chance that he was actually free  
-She gives him advice, too  
-Advice for school  
-Tells him that his image is the most important thing  
-Tells him that he needs to make friends there  
-Dolokhov isn’t enough anymore  
-She pretends she’s trying to help  
-But deep down she knows how troubling things have been between Anatole and Dolokhov  
-She knows he’s been an asshole  
-Their friendship is a ticking time bomb  
-Deep down she knows she’s trying to drive them apart so there’s no explosion  
-Deep down she knows she’s only going to make Anatole act like an asshole again  
-Deep down she know’s there will be an explosion no matter what  
-She pushes those thoughts aside and smiles for Anatole  
-He needs that  
-He needs someone in his life to be happy  
-He wants to live with her  
-Things would be better with her  
-But he can only dream  
-School starts out fine  
-He fits right in  
-He feels happy  
-But something’s wrong with Dolokhov  
-He can sense it  
-Dolokhov never brings it up  
-So Anatole doesn’t ask  
-He’ll bring it up when he’s ready?  
-He waits but that day never comes  
-Then he realizes what’s happening  
-He can’t defend him, though  
-He wants to  
-But he knows he can’t  
-He’s got an appearance at this school  
-An image to keep up  
-He can’t lose it or he’ll be just like Dolokhov  
-He feels horrible but he knows he’s doing the right thing  
-If anyone finds out about his crush on Dolokhov school will be hell on earth  
-These people are ruthless to anyone that isn’t like them  
-He can’t face that  
-He tries to comfort Dolokhov  
-He tries, he really does  
-But his words feel unnatural  
-He says too little  
-He never really knows what to say  
-He can never really find the right words  
-The year trudges on  
-Then, in the middle of the year  
-School isn’t at the forefront of his mind anymore  
-His parents  
-His parents  
-They found out  
-They know he has a crush on Anatole  
-They’re mad  
-Why are they mad?  
-He doesn’t know how they know  
-He doesn’t know what to do  
-Except cry  
-He doesn’t tell Dolokhov anything  
-He soldiers on  
-He keeps seeing Dolokhov getting bullied  
-He’s too tired to do anything  
-Too emotionally empty  
-He’s even too tired to feel bad  
-To feel bad for Dolokhov, to feel bad about how he’s ignoring what’s happening  
-When he can clearly see  
-His comfort never helps  
-Soon he stops offering any at all  
-He can’t risk his parents’ wrath and talk to Dolokhov anymore  
-It’s okay because Dolokhov shut him out anyway  
-He wants to be sad about, he really wants to be  
-All he can feel is relief  
-His parents aren’t mad anymore  
-A month later he moves in with Helene  
-He can’t be in that house with his parents anymore, she tells him  
-She needs to get him out  
-It’s not until he’s all moved in and comfortable with Helene  
-It’s until then when he realized how truly horrible he feels  
-How truly horrible he is  
-Why didn’t he just defend himself  
-His best friend is more important than some image  
-The love of his life is more important than those people’s approval  
-He did it again  
-Again  
-He pushed Dolokhov away for the second time  
-He cries while Helene holds him in their living room that night  
-He doesn’t stop until there aren’t any tears left  
-He doesn’t stop until all he can feel is a dull numbing sadness  
-He pretends he’s okay  
-For Dolokhov’s sake  
-Dolokhov will hate him more if he pretends he’s alright  
-And that’s okay  
-He’s okay with being hated  
-After all he’s done  
-He’s okay with it  
-He deserves this  
-Or at least that’s what he tells himself everyday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this boy needs pain.


	31. bear!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bear is such a good boy.such a good boofer

-It’s Anatole who first brings up the idea of a service dog  
-It’s the middle of senior year  
-Dolokhov’s anxiety is going up, up, up  
-It is never dormant anymore  
-His separation anxiety is creeping around from the back of his brain and pushing it’s way to the front, too  
-He can’t be away from Anatole, he can’t  
-The noise in his brain gets too loud and he starts to panic and cry when Anatole is away  
-And his hearing?  
-Well you know how it is  
-But Anatole can only help so much  
-His hearing aid can only help so much  
-The picture of him and Anatole he carries with him can only help so much  
-Anatole knows this, too  
-It hurts to know  
-He loves Dolokhov too much  
-But he pushes past it and does what he can  
-But there will come a time when it will become too much  
-For the both of them  
-He doesn’t want it to come to that  
-He thinks a service dog would really help  
-So maybe he doesn’t have to, sometimes  
-Because sometimes he can’t  
-He feels bad when that thought floats into his brain  
-But it’s not enough to make it go away  
-Dolokhov likes this idea  
-He loves dogs  
-It could really help  
-It could really  
-He doesn’t want to rely on just Anatole anymore  
-It makes him feel weak  
-He needs him too much  
-He shouldn’t rely on him this much  
-He needs a service dog.  
-He could get one  
-He could get one  
-Maybe his parents would let him get one  
-Maybe  
-Maybe  
-He needs to convince them  
-He has hope  
-He waits for them to come back from wherever they went to now  
-He waits  
-He waits  
-They don’t come back for a while  
-They’ve never been gone this long  
-Dolokhov can’t believe he cares  
-He shouldn’t  
-They don’t care so why should he  
-He leaves Anatole and Helene’s house for one night  
-And he tries to convince them  
-Oh how he tries  
-He begs and pleads and cries  
-All they do is yell  
-No  
-No  
-He doesn’t need one  
-They don’t listen to what he has to say  
-They never do  
-He doesn’t know why he was stupid enough to think they’d agree with him  
-And listen to his cries  
-Stupid, stupid, stupid  
-Just like always  
-He’ll never get a service dog  
-He’ll be weak forever  
-And Anatole will hate him for it  
-He forgets Anatole’s suggestion  
-He pushes it down  
-Like he does with everything  
-He never truly forgets  
-Neither does Anatole  
-Anatole keeps trying  
-He keeps trying  
-He’ll get him a service dog  
-His parents are always assholes  
-They will always be  
-Fuck them.  
-Senior year goes on  
-Anatole keeps trying  
-They don’t talk about it anymore  
-Dolokhov gets worse  
-He needs Anatole more than ever  
-He hates himself for it  
-He leans on Anatole for everything  
-Is he really that weak?  
-Is he really that incapable?  
-Despite his best wishes, his hope for a service dog only rises  
-It never gets pushed down  
-He can’t live like this anymore  
-He can’t  
-And he knows Anatole can’t either  
-He knows Helene’s a little tired of this, too  
-He’d be lying if he said that didn’t make him feel even worse  
-Even more weak and small and nonfunctioning and horrible  
-But he’s spiraling downward  
-Anatole isn’t strong enough to pull him up   
-But god he tries  
-It’s not until him and Anatole finally move into the city  
-And finally get away from Dolokhov’s parents  
-That he gets one  
-He gets a service dog  
-He’s a big fluffy german shepherd and Dolokhov is going to name him Bear  
-The day they go pick him up is the best day of his life  
-He’s so sweet and when he seems so excited to see Dolokhov  
-So happy and loving  
-He almost cries  
-Anatole almost does too  
-He laughs and takes pictures and watches Dolokhov smile, real and wide  
-He hasn’t seen that smile in a while  
-He takes videos too and records Dolokhov giggling through happy tears while Bear licks his face  
-While Bear sits in his lap, even though he’s far too big  
-Dolokhov loves Bear  
-He finally has more help  
-He finally has a service dog  
-A service dog for both his hearing and his anxiety  
-Bear makes him a lot more happy  
-He knows when he’s anxious  
-He knows when he’s going to cry  
-He knows when he needs Anatole  
-He alerts him to things he doesn’t hear  
-When he’s upset and anxious and crying  
-He goes right to him  
-Curls up right next to him  
-Sometimes on top of him  
-And calms him down  
-He starts feeling better when Anatole isn’t there  
-It’s slow but he starts to feel less weak  
-He starts to feel less anxious  
-He has Bear now  
-He has a service dog  
-Anatole breathes a sigh of relief  
-Dolokhov isn’t suffering as much anymore  
-Dolokhov doesn’t need to lean on him as much anymore  
-It’s progress and he’s so proud  
-He’s so happy for him  
-Dolokhov is happy now  
-It’s just them, and Bear now  
-Thank god Dolokhov has Anatole and Bear  
-He doesn’t know what he would do without them  
-He wouldn’t survive without them  
-He wouldn’t survive without Anatole  
-Anatole’s hugs  
-Anatole’s kisses  
-Anatole’s support  
-Anatole’s comfort  
-Anatole Anatole Anatole  
-He wouldn’t survive without Bear  
-He wouldn’t survive without the help and happiness this dog gave him  
-Bear and Anatole are all Dolokhov needs to keep breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy these i hate school


	32. insomnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ye

-Dolokhov doesn’t like sleep  
-He doesn’t like dreaming  
-He has nightmares more often that not  
-He doesn’t like not being able to fall asleep  
-And then having his anxiety run wild because he’s not falling asleep why isn’t he falling asleep he needs to go to bed  
-He likes staying up  
-He likes doing things  
-Who needs sleep  
-Sleep is unforgiving to him anyway  
-Insomnia haunts him like a ghost  
-Most nights he’s crying at 1am because he //can’t// sleep  
-He c a n t  
-He doesn’t need it  
-He’s fine without it  
-He’s gotten this far  
-Sleep doesn’t like him  
-He barely sleeps  
-He’s okay with it  
-Only 2-3 hours a night, if he’s lucky  
-It’s the only solution he could think of  
-Anatole knows  
-He tries to tell Dolokhov to stop  
-He tries to help  
-But Dolokhov is always so tired he can barely hear him  
-He needs to do something  
-Something  
-But he doesn’t know what  
-Dolokhov doesn’t know why Anatole keeps trying  
-He wants to be left alone  
-He gets some sleep, sometimes  
-Sometimes  
-That’s good enough for him  
-It’s not good enough for Anatole, though  
-He can see that Dolokhov is slowly deteriorating  
-He looks paler  
-The circles under his eyes are getting darker  
-He seems disoriented, out of focus  
-He barely seems to notice  
-Anatole can barely stand to be around him  
-He can’t stand seeing him like this  
-He keeps trying  
-He keeps trying  
-It’s never enough  
-Never enough to make him sleep  
-Never enough to let him know this isn’t healthy  
-Never enough to finally tell him he needs sleep  
-It will never be enough  
-He finally tries to go to bed one night  
-Dolokhov finally tries  
-He’s tired and hopeless  
-And Anatole forces him to sleep  
-He’s too tired to refuse  
-He gets a nightmare that night  
-It’s vivid and horrible  
-It makes him wake up crying  
-And shaking  
-And heaving  
-He only sleeps for three hours that night  
-Anatole tells him to try and fall back asleep but he can’t risk getting another nightmare  
-He can’t risk waking up shaking and scared and helpless  
-And hopeless  
-He can’t risk it  
-Anatole coaxes him into taking naps  
-He starts napping everyday  
-Anatole is always with him  
-Holding him close  
-Making sure he’s really sleeping and okay and safe and not anxious  
-It’s a start  
-His sleep schedule starts to shift  
-It starts to become normal again  
-And just as he has a routine  
-And just as he started sleeping at least four hours a night  
-The nightmares come back in full force  
-They’re never this bad  
-Only once in awhile  
-They’re only this bad now  
-They’re only horrible  
-He’s crying every night  
-They won’t stop  
-Anatole doesn’t know what to do  
-He can only do so much  
-Even Bear doesn’t know what to do  
-Dolokhov is suffering  
-He feels horrible all the time  
-Anxious every night  
-He stops sleeping entirely  
-It goes on for one week.  
-He insists that he’s fine  
-That he’s okay  
-He’ll be okay  
-He doesn’t realize how horrible he feels  
-How horrible he looks  
-He can’t talk properly  
-He can’t move properly  
-It all goes wrong  
-They’re talking one day  
-Anatole is talking  
-Dolokhov is, listening  
-Listening  
-Sometimes mumbling an incoherent response  
-Anatole starts to speak again and  
-And  
-Dolokhov collapses  
-Anatole is freaking out  
-He knew this would happen  
-He knew  
-And Dolokhov wouldn’t listen  
-Anatole feels horrible for him  
-He carries him, trying to ignore how limp his small body feels in his arms, and puts him bed  
-He puts him in pajamas  
-And he waits for him to wake up so he can force him to go to sleep  
-It doesn’t take long for Dolokhov to wake up, confused  
-What happened  
-He remembered talking to Anatole and then it all going black  
-He feels faint  
-His extreme exhaustion finally sets in  
-Wow he feels like garbage.  
-Anatole makes him sleep.  
-Anatole turns off all the lights and piles blankets on the bed  
-And puts on calm music so he can focus his brain on something other than anxiety and nightmares  
-And they sleep  
-Anatole is holding Dolokhov close  
-And Dolokhov is resting his head on Anatole’s chest  
-He feels warm and comfortable and content  
-He doesn’t hate sleep  
-Not right now at least  
-Anatole is holding him and he feels, okay  
-He sleeps for more than three hours  
-He sleeps for five  
-He still feels terrible but it’s finally a good start  
-He’s still worried that his sleep schedule will never be normal again  
-Anatole starts making him take melatonin  
-And makes him go to bed early  
-And makes him have a routine so he can sleep easier  
-They still takes nap, too  
-In the middle of the day when they’re both too tired  
-And when they just don’t feel like doing anything but sleep  
-Those are the best kinds of days  
-They’re tangled in a mix of limbs and blankets and Bear is sleeping on top of the bed, too  
-It’s comfortable and it’s nice and it’s calm  
-Dolokhov starts to sleep better.  
-Finally.  
-He still gets nightmares  
-But sleep isn’t as hard as it use to be  
-It’s easier when Anatole is holding him, too


	33. fluff pt 2!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> may i offer you some nice fluff in this trying time

-Hear me out okay  
-Dolokhov with both freckles and a tooth gap  
-At any given moment Anatole is overwhelmed by how cute Dolokhov is  
-He’s so small and adorable  
-And his laugh is so sweet  
-And the way he smiles is so nice  
-The way his face lights up  
-The way he smiles when Anatole signs I love you to him  
-He likes that smile the most  
-It’s the one that’s made specifically for him  
-God he loves him so much  
-Fedya, on the other hand  
-Hates his tooth gap  
-So much  
-He would look much better without it  
-Anatole does not think so  
-At all  
-He loves it  
-He loves Dolokhov  
-He looks so adorable  
-His phone background is literally Fedya smiling while wearing a flower crown on a sunny day  
-This golden boy!!!!  
-(It’s his favorite picture of Fedya)  
-(He looks so cute and happy and genuine)  
-(It makes Anatole so happy just by looking at it)  
-Dolokhov doesn’t understand why  
-Anatole doesn’t understand why Dolokhov doesn’t understand  
-He’s the cutest boy in the world who’s also really hot. It’s that simple.  
-He can love the things Dolokhov hates about himself.  
-Anway,,,  
-Fedya gets scared really easily  
-Like really easy  
-Anatole, naturally, scares him a lot  
-He’s got a really high pitched scream  
-And he hates getting scared  
-So you can imagine how this is gonna turn out  
-Whenever Anatole scares him he screams and then starts yelling  
-Yelling at a laughing Anatole  
-He then starts lightly hitting Anatole while giggling  
-When Anatole pulls him into a hug, still laughing, he tells him he’s still mad, though  
-Sometimes, that’s not the case, though  
-Sometimes Dolokhov doesn’t have his hearing aid  
-And sometimes Anatole doesn’t know that  
-He jumps out at Dolokhov’s left side and yells  
-Dolokhov is confused  
-“What are doing Anatole? Are you yelling why are you yelling?’  
-Anatole can’t help but laugh  
-Dolokhov is laughing, giggling, too  
-Anatole loves it when Dolokhov laughs  
-Dolokhov loves it when Anatole laughs  
-They love everything about each other  
-Their love is warm and comforting and bright and amazing  
-Anatole sometimes manages to scare Bear, too  
-Dolokhov screams and Bear starts barking  
-It takes five minutes for Dolokhov and Anatole to calm him down  
-Hear me out:  
-Anatole is always really well dressed but  
-Dolokhov will only dress up if he absolutely has to  
-He’s always either wearing Anatole’s clothes  
-His pajamas - which are also Anatole’s clothes  
-Or a hoodie  
-Which as you can guess is also Anatole’s  
-His everyday #look is probably just black jeans, one of Anatole’s old hoodies and Anatole’s old jean jacket with the fuzzy lining and collar from high school  
-Anatole insist that he’s gonna wanna wear that jacket one day  
-He never does  
-He lets Dolokhov wear it no matter what  
-Dolokhov looks really hot so, why stop him  
-Fedya also wears vans and cool socks  
-Listen. He loves cool socks  
-With cool prints and animals on them and sayings like “carpe the fuck out of this diem”  
-Anatole buys him cool socks anytime he sees them  
-Dolokhow also wears big comfy sweaters and sweatpants when he doesn’t have to go out or when he wants to be a cozy boy  
-Or when he’s sick  
-Anatole thinks he looks so cute?? Oh my god  
-Small comfy boy  
-But also let’s not forget the button down sweater combo  
-Dolokhov,,looks so good…..  
-It’s safe to say Anatole dies  
-Anatole,,, loves Dolokhov’s hair  
-It’s so….floof  
-And,,,soft  
-He’s always running his hands through it  
-Dolokhov loves that too  
-He practically purrs when Anatole does it  
-Anatole starts calling him a kitten after that  
-But that’s not the only reason  
-He has really tiny sneezes  
-Similar to, yes, a kitten  
-Fedya hates it when Anatole calls him that  
-That only makes Anatole do it more  
-But like  
-Anatole is always running his hands through Fedya’s hair  
-Always  
-It calms Dolokhov down  
-It helps him sleep  
-Anatole does it when they’re cuddling, too  
-Anytime he’s close to Dolokhov he’ll do it  
-Dolokhov loves to hold Anatole’s face  
-He has a nice face  
-So  
-He  
-Hold  
-Also let me tell you,,  
-They hold hands a lot  
-Like a lot  
-It’s essentially a reflex at this point  
-Anytime their hands are near each other they just  
-Hold  
-It helps when Dolokhov is having anxiety  
-He feels better when Anatole has his hand in his  
-He feels better when Anatole squeezes his hand  
-And runs his other hand through his hair  
-And smiles  
-God, that smile  
-That’s all he needs to feel better  
-Anatole, makes him better, calmer, safer  
-He likes it that way  
-When they cuddle it’s them covered by a heap of blankets  
-And Bear  
-And Luna  
-They’re wrapped up in eachother and it’s safe and warm  
-And full of love  
-Fedya has his head on Anatole’s chest and Anatole is humming and running his fingers over his arm  
-In his hair  
-Fedya has his arms wrapped around Anatole  
-Anatole has his chin resting on Fedya’s head  
-They wouldn’t have it any other way


	34. day in the life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ya gorl has risen from the dead

-Mornings are hard  
-In the sense that waking up is hard  
-In the sense that it’s warm and comfortable and wrapped in love and it’s hard to let go  
-In the sense that moving is difficult  
-In the sense that sometimes waking up is filled with nothing but dread and anxiety  
-They power through  
-Mornings are better when they’re together anyway  
-The good cancels out the bad  
-The ever looming bad  
-It stops looming for just a little bit  
-That’s enough for them  
-Dolokhov gets up first  
-Slowly  
-Only sitting up and thinking  
-He thinks for a while  
-Then Anatole rolls over and grabs his arm  
-And tells him he’s thinking too loud  
-Dolokhov smiles and laughs  
-Anatole rolls over again  
-He doesn’t have work today  
-Lucky bastard  
-It won’t be long before he’s up and moving right next to Dolokhov, though  
-Bear will wake up and start moving around and follow Dolokhov as he gets ready  
-He’ll paw at Anatole and Anatole will groan and laugh  
-And Dolokhov will pull him out of bed, begrudgingly and kiss him  
-They’ll stay like that for a while  
-Standing, holding each other close  
-Wishing they could never let go  
-Never wanting to be the first to pull away  
-Bear will always break them apart anyway  
-Most mornings Dolokhov will forget his hearing aid  
-He’s never really present in the mornings  
-His eyes are glazed over  
-He’s half conscious  
-He always forgets  
-Anatole will always remember  
-He’ll pull him close  
-Put it on for him  
-Smile at him with the smile he saves just for him  
-And run his fingers through his hair  
-And cup his face  
-And kiss him lightly  
-Dolokhov forgets on purpose sometimes  
-The kitchen is silent  
-It’s a comfortable silence  
-It’s a silence filled with love  
-Filled with contentment  
-Dolokhov is dressed, looking dapper as usual (Anatole always calls him that and it makes him blush. he does it even more)  
-Anatole is still in his pajamas  
-His hair unstyled, sticking up in all places  
-They walk around and past eachother  
-Sometimes quickly kissing or laughing  
-Feeding the animals  
-Getting for classes  
-Making breakfast  
-Packing bags  
-Trying to enjoy each other’s company before Dolokhov leaves or both of them leave or Anatole leaves  
-Trying to soak up as much as love as they can to last until they see eachother again at the end of the day  
-It never lasts, no matter how hard as they try  
-They push through  
-And then Dolokhov has to leave  
-He kisses Anatole one last time and pets Bear and tells Luna she’s in charge, just to make Anatole laugh   
-He gives Anatole a hug  
-Cards one hand through his messy hair and goes on his toes to kiss his nose and leaves  
-Anatole will always miss him more than he should  
-He steps away from the door  
-He sits and eats the rest of his breakfast talking to Bear  
-He looks out the window  
-He thinks  
-He gets ready  
-It’s a tedious process  
-But it makes him focus and it gets his mind off of whatever thoughts are currently running in his mind  
-Like how much he wishes Dolokhov were here with him   
-Dolokhov is the only thing that grounds him  
-How he never really knows what to do with himself when he has days off  
-Those thoughts are always the worst in the morning  
-Dolokhov knows this  
-He texts Anatole constantly throughout the day  
-Starting in the morning  
-Tells him he’s in the building and he hopes Anatole has a good day and loves him more than anything in the world  
-He tells him anecdotes about students and what happens in his classes on an otherwise boring day  
-He does this everyday, without fail  
-It’s something they’ll never stop doing  
-Anatole will text him, too  
-Send him pictures of the animals  
-Of Luna sleeping or Bear running around  
-Or short encouragements  
-Or hearts  
-Dolokhov runs on those texts  
-The day crawls by slowly  
-Dolokhov teaching, teaching, teaching  
-Anatole doing anything  
-Practicing  
-Cleaning  
-Something productive  
-He settles on playing with Bear  
-It makes him smile  
-By mid afternoon, that’s turning into evening on his days off, Anatole is usually taking a nap  
-With Luna on top of him and his layers and layers of blankets  
-And Bear next to him  
-He’s asleep by the time Dolokhov comes home  
-Worn out, and smiling weakly  
-He quietly changes into his pajamas, something he does everyday  
-And he crawls into bed with Anatole  
-Anatole, still asleep, will grab hold of him and pull him close  
-They lay like that for a while  
-It’s hard, Dolokhov says  
-I know, is Anatole’s muffled response as he has his face against Dolokhov’s back  
-That’s all they have to say  
-That’s enough  
-The night is calm and relaxing   
-They cook together and fill the once silent kitchen with conversation and laughter  
-And a louder kind of love  
-That love is still with them as they eat  
-And as Dolokhov goes to finish grading and doing whatever a teacher does, to be honest Anatole doesn’t know and honestly doesn’t know how to ask  
-Anatole always sits with him when he does his work  
-He helps him and offers encouragement and holds his hand when he’s far too exhausted for this  
-And rubs calming circles into his back  
\- He’s so proud and happy for him, though  
-He’s a teacher.  
-He can be away from Anatole without having a panic  
-He can get up in front full of people and barely stutter  
-They’ve come so far  
-They’ve come so far  
-Gotten so much happier  
-It’s how it’s supposed to be, he thinks, as they finally decide to go to bed, way later than they should  
-He’s where he’s supposed to be, he thinks, as Dolokhov buries his face into his shirt and drifts off  
-Anatole falls asleep calm and happy.  
-And full of love.  
-Love he never thought he would have.


	35. clinginess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wrote two hc posts in like the span of two hours are u proud of me im proud of me (also i love these kinda please enjoy! Im v glad to be back)

-Dolokhov is clingy, to say the least  
-He always is always will be  
-He’s so small…hold him please…he wants to be held  
-First thing he does when he wakes up?  
-Reach for Anatole  
-His hand always ends up clutching Anatole’s shirt  
-Just to make sure he’s there  
-He’s there  
-He’s there with him  
-He also does it because Anatole is who he needs most in the morning  
-Anatole will always reach out for him too  
-And pull him close, closer, closest  
-And wrap his arms around him tight and secure and comforting  
-Dolokhov breathes him in  
-A weight lifts off his shoulders  
-He loves affection  
-He loves touching  
-He loves being near Anatole  
-He never really got any physical affection when he was growing up so he hangs on to whatever he can get  
-He needs physical affection to survive  
-Anatole understands  
-Anatole understands.  
-That’s all he can do, understand  
-There’s not much else he can do  
-He loves giving Dolokhov hugs and cuddling with him and holding him  
-It’s so comfortable that way  
-Even if he didn’t love he would still do it  
-He loves Dolokhov too much  
-Dolokhov needs this  
-He knows Dolokhov is clingy, he knows  
-He doesn’t mind, really, he doesn’t  
-That’s why he picks him up so much  
-Why he sits him in lap whenever they watch something together  
-Why he always falls asleep with Dolokhov in his arms  
-It’s comfort for the both of them  
-It’s comfort  
-It’s coping for the both of them  
-Anatole’s arms around Dolokhov’s small waist  
-Or his hand in his hair  
-Or just a simple hug  
-That lasts for a very long time  
-Makes Dolokhov breathe easier  
-He constantly asks Anatole for hugs  
-It’s an everyday occurrence  
-“-Hey Anatole can I have a hug”  
-“Tolya can I have a hug”  
-“Anatole I want a hug”  
-Anatole smiles wide and giggles and wraps his arms around him like they’ve never hugged before  
-Anatole always gives the best hugs  
-They radiate warmth and he puts all of his love for Dolokhov into each one  
-Dolokhov must be touching Anatole  
-He feels anxious and weird if he’s not  
-It’s not that bad at home  
-Being in the same vicinity is sometimes enough  
-Most of the time it’s not  
-Even if his separation anxiety is better  
-This is something he’ll never let go of  
-Anatole has to be holding his hand  
-Or wrapping his arm around his waist  
-Or hugging him  
-Or keeping a hand on the small of his back  
-There is no personal space anymore  
-They will always share space  
-It’s how they live  
-The constant presence of Anatole keeps Dolokhov calm  
-It keeps him sane  
-It keeps him from feeling empty and anxious and unhappy and alone  
-Like how he used to feel  
-He needs to be touched  
-He needs to be held  
-He needs to be cuddled  
-He needs  
-It’s how he lives  
-They always cuddle  
-Always  
-Dolokhov doesn’t even have to ask  
-Whether they’re just laying on the couch or going to bed or taking a nap or just sitting and enjoying eachother’s company   
-Cuddling and hugging and touching is a constant in their relationship  
-And Dolokhov couldn’t live without it  
-Anatole’s not sure he would survive without it either  
-Dolokhov is even more clingy when he’s tired  
-He’ll bury his face into Anatole’s shoulder and grip his side  
-Or lay his head in Anatole’s lap and smile lazily at him  
-Most of the time he’ll just flop himself into Anatole’s lap  
-Anatole always knows what to do  
-Runs his fingers through his always messy always soft hair and simply let them be Anatole and Dolokhov  
-One unit   
-One existence   
-Calm and silent and warm   
-Sometimes Dolokhov is too tired to move  
-Sometimes he falls asleep on the couch  
-Sometimes he complains  
-Sometimes he’s crying  
-Sometime’s he’s too anxious to do anything but lay   
-Anatole knows exactly what to do  
-Anatole will always pick him up and cradle him and carefully take him to bed  
-He’ll hold him tighter and kiss him lighter if it’s one of the bad nights  
-Or he’ll try not to wake him up when he’s sleeping  
-Or he’ll act like he doesn’t know Dolokhov is pretending to sleep sometimes so Anatole will pick him up  
-He knows Dolokhov  
-He knows he just wants to be held  
-He knows he wants all the love in the world  
-He knows he needs all the love in the world  
-He knows he deserves all the love in the world  
-Anatole tries his best to deliver  
-He’ll hold him whenever he needs it  
-He’ll scoop him up whenever it looks like he needs to be scooped up  
-He’ll pick him up and set him on the counter so they can kiss whenever he needs to be swept off his feet  
-He’ll swiftly lift him up and let Dolokhov wrap his legs around his waist whenever he needs something else to make him smile and to make him feel special and even more in love  
-He’ll always touch Dolokhov when he needs it  
-He recognizes how Dolokhov clings himself to him  
-And he does whatever he can so Dolokhov is in his arms.  
-It feels kind of empty when he can’t wrap his arms around Anatole  
-But, yet, at the same time  
-It’s all too much  
-He tries so much  
-He does so much  
-Sometimes it’s too much  
-He can’t always be there to hold Dolokhov or sweep him off his feet  
-He wishes he was  
-He wishes he could always be there  
-But that’s unrealistic  
-Anatole feels horrible whenever that feeling washes over him  
-He tries to push it down  
-It never really pops up anyway  
-But when it does it’s uninvited and uncomfortable  
-Anatole never lets it bother him  
-He lets those thoughts sit and when he kisses Dolokhov  
-Or when Dolokhov kisses him  
-Or when Dolokhov lays himself on him, content, kissing him quickly on the nose  
-Or when he kisses Dolokhov on the nose  
-Those thoughts seem to dissipate   
-He has other things to think about, anyway  
-The touching isn’t just for Dolokhov and his tendency to be clingy either, horrible guilt-bringing thoughts  
-They make Anatole feel comfortable and loved and warm  
-And wanted  
-He’s never felt wanted before  
-He didn’t think anyone would want to cuddle him and be with him this much  
-He didn’t anyone would actually want to kiss him and be with him   
-He didn’t know anyone could love him this much  
-It’s never perfect and neither are they  
-But they work with what they can  
-It’s always enough


	36. andrey hates anatole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's true.

-Andrey, hates Anatole  
-It’s very clear  
-To everyone except Anatole  
-Anatole loves Andrey  
-He wants to be his friend so bad  
-Nope.  
-Nope.  
-Not happening  
-Over Andrey’s cold, dead, body  
-Even though they have five classes together  
-F i v e  
-They have art, home ec, ap us history, biology and math together  
-So basically Andrey is on a constant schedule of wanting to die every single day  
-What makes this whole thing worse?  
-Anatole sits next to him for four classes  
-Four classes out of five  
-And even when he doesn’t sit next to him Anatole is always overly friendly and way too annoying  
-Oh my god he will never stop talking  
-No matter where he’s sitting  
-He doesn’t care that Andrey never responds  
-He just keeps talking  
-In the one class he doesn’t sit with him, Anatole sits with Fedya  
-Andrey doesn’t know how Fedya can stand this  
-Andrey can hear Anatole talking from across the room  
-Jesus, he feels bad for Fedya  
-Pierre always tells him that Fedya doesn’t mind, he love Anatole, he never gets annoyed  
-Andrey is still convinced it’s an act  
-Has Pierre even spent enough time with that heathen to know?  
-He probably hasn’t  
-He sends a thought of good luck to Fedya and finishes his classwork with his last pencil  
-Why last pencil, you ask?  
-Oh, well, Andrey is so pissed off at Anatole that he breaks things  
-Mainly pencils.  
-They’re easy to break and easy to reach  
-Anatole says something annoying? Break a pencil  
-Anatole does something even more annoying? Break a few pencils  
-Anatole calls him by a stupid nickname, or actually tries to engage in friendly banter? Break a pen  
-Anatole won’t stop talking? Take the pencil out of his hand and break it  
-When he doesn’t notice? Kick the table.  
-And break the leg by accident  
-And cause the table to break  
-Whatever, anyway, you get the point  
-And that totally didn’t happen in biology once  
-Why would you think that  
-That table broke because the leg was already broken it wasn’t Andrey’s fault  
-And inadvertently Anatole’s  
-Anway. Let’s let this pass.  
-Let’s move on.  
-They go on a school trip, to New York City  
-It’s going to be wonderful  
-Except Andrey’s plan to room with Pierre and Natasha was ruined because highschool rules are stupid  
-And Andrey and Pierre needed two roommates  
-Everyone seemed to have their own  
-Except two people  
-Anatole and Fedya.  
-Andrey is so close to not going  
-But like, Andrey has no problem with Fedya  
-He respects the guy for putting up with the actual devil in human form  
-But, Anatole is the plague of his life and he can never be free no matter how hard he tries  
-The ride there is absolute hell  
-Anatole sits next to Andrey because of course he does  
-The entire ride is “hey andr-” “no.”  
-Fedya ends up switching with Andrey  
-Fedya immediately calms and quiets Anatole  
-All he has to do it run his fingers through his hair, kiss his temple and hold his hand  
-And that it’s. Anatole is quiet. Anatole is content.  
-Andrey almost has an aneurysm, he didn’t know it was god damn possible  
-Pierre tells him to shut up  
-By the first night, he looks so empty, so tired.  
-Oh, how he was so ignorant  
-It was only going to get worse  
-When the teacher said it was light outs, Pierre and Dolokhov turned on the tv  
-Anatole is reading a magazine  
-Andrey is hiding in the bathroom texting Natasha  
-And occasionally Pierre  
-He’s dying. He’s going to die in this hotel bathroom.  
-He finally decides to leave at around 2am  
-And Pierre and Fedya are passed out on the same bed  
-Those bastards  
-Anatole is so happy!!! He gets to be with Andrey!!! His best friend!!!  
-Andrey slept at the edge of the bed that night  
-When he woke up, Anatole was way too close to him and he pushed him off the bed.  
-They got in trouble for it but it was worth it in Andrey’s book.  
-And before I depart: Andrey always greets Pierre and Natasha with “hello my angels” and when he sees Anatole he goes “oh. hello. Heathen.”  
-He also takes one look at Anatole’s prada bag and goes “the devil really does wear prada”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just remembered i never posted these here!! jeez im so sorry!!!! i'll keep trying to post more!!!


	37. owo a surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back from the dead here's really really sad angst ahahahah i love u all!!!!!

-Do you remember the car crash Anatole, Dolokhov, and Helene got into?  
-That horrible, horrible crash on that horrible, horrible night?  
-Where, somehow, everything turned out okay?  
-Or as okay as it could be?  
-Do you remember now?  
-This is that story, but, in a way it is not  
-It is the story, where something has changed  
-Something  
-Like when Anatole falls into a coma, he does not wake up seven days later  
-Instead, he dies almost immediately  
-There would be no amputation of his leg, no coma at all  
-No emotional reunion  
-Like Dolokhov wished. But we also remember how wishes rarely come true, right?  
-Wishes are unforgiving things  
-That crash was unforgiving.  
-Anatole could not be saved  
-He died on impact.  
-Why? It hit Helene’s side didn’t it?  
-It did, but not everything turns out the way you think it would  
-Not everything works out  
-Sometimes you get in a car crash and you come out with cuts and bruises but the love of your life dies and you’re left wishing something different happened  
-And you’re left with that lingering feeling that it should have been you.  
-Dolokhov got out of the hospital too soon  
-Or at least, that’s what he thought  
-In there, he didn’t have to live with what happened  
-He just had to exist  
-He didn’t have to go through his daily routine feeling utterly empty inside  
-In the hospital, he didn’t really have to live.  
-He wishes it was like that now  
-Ha, another wish.  
-I hope you’re getting the pattern  
-Dolokhov can’t feel anymore  
-He feels nothing but anxiety  
-Piles and piles of anxiety  
-It is neverending  
-Anatole always made him feel so safe, so okay  
-He can never feel that way again  
-And, I mean, he has Bear  
-Bear. Bear.  
-Who has no idea what’s going on, who still insists on helping Dolokhov every second of everyday  
-Dolokhov knows Bear can sense something is wrong  
-Really really wrong  
-That’s why Bear follows him around all the time  
-That’s why Bear sleeps on Anatole’s side of the bed at night  
-That’s why he lays on Dolokhov while he cries  
-He does that a lot, now  
-Dolokhov cries too much  
-He cries almost everyday  
-He does nothing  
-He talks to no one  
-Helene is still in the hospital, and he can’t bear to be with her right now  
-He feels horrible for it  
-He should be there for her  
-Someone needs to be there for her  
-But he’s not that someone  
-He’ll never be that someone  
-Not anymore  
-Dolokhov never leaves the house  
-He wears Anatole’s clothing  
-He doesn’t care that they’re so big on him  
-And barely smell like him anymore  
-He doesn’t c a r e  
-It’s all he has  
-He ignores phone calls from his friends  
-From anyone  
-They don’t understand  
-They never will  
-He doesn’t need them anyway  
-All he needed was Anatole  
-All he needs it Anatole  
-Anatole Anatole Anatole  
-Anatole.  
-Dolokhov doesn’t even wear his hearing aid anymore  
-He’s not sure why  
-Maybe he forgets  
-Maybe he’s secretly wishing Anatole will come back and remember for him like he always used to  
-He knows he won’t  
-Maybe that’s why he doesn’t wear it, too  
-It’s too much effort  
-God, what he would do just to have Anatole put his hearing on for him and kiss him on the forehead in the early morning like he always did one last time  
-His hearing aid is a constant reminder of Anatole  
-What happened to Anatole  
-What Dolokhov has done for Anatole  
-What he sacrificed for Anatole  
-Only to have Anatole die on him  
-He can’t dwell on that thought for longer than 30 seconds  
-The fact that Anatole is dead  
-The fact that Anatole is dead  
-If he thinks about it for longer than 30 seconds, he starts to deteriorate  
-He starts to shake  
-He starts to cry  
-He starts to realize that this is real life. This is real.  
-He starts to think about how Anatole had held him and kissed him and was with him in this house they had with Bear only a few weeks ago  
-He starts to think about how that will never happen again  
-He will never get to kiss Anatole again  
-He will never get to touch Anatole again  
-He can never see Anatole in the morning, tired, smiling lazily, his normally perfect hair messed up intensely, ever again  
-He’ll never see him wear that jacket he’s had since high school  
-He’ll never see him try on his clothes to see how small they are on him to make him laugh  
-He’ll never hear him laugh again  
-Why wasn’t it him  
-Why wasn’t it him why wasn’t it him  
-Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy  
-Dolokhov was supposed to be happy  
-He was supposed to be with the love of his life  
-He was supposed to be with Anatole  
-Why is life so difficult  
-Why is his life so difficult  
-He can barely handle his emotions  
-He can barely handle anything  
-And when it’s late at night and he can’t sleep  
-And he’s staring at the wall, clutching the blankets  
-Clutching Anatole’s blankets  
-He’ll wonder why wishes don’t come true  
-And somewhere deep inside him, the answer would always bubble up unexpectedly  
-Because some people don’t deserve wishes.


	38. pain train pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha. sorry. no im not.

-Do you remember the car crash Anatole, Dolokhov, and Helene got into?  
-That horrible, horrible crash on that horrible, horrible night?  
-Where, somehow, everything turned out okay?  
-Or as okay as it could be?  
-Do you remember now?  
-This is that story, but, in a way it is not  
-It is the story, where something has changed  
-Something  
-Something like instead of getting a few cuts and bruises  
-Something like, instead of that, Dolokhov ends up dead on impact  
-Something that Anatole never thought would happen  
-Something he never wished would happen.  
-But, you know the drill, you know what I am about to say next  
-You know what Anatole is about to discover.  
-Wishes are unforgiving things  
-Reality is not kind to wishes.  
-Reality is not kind to people who have wishes.  
-Reality is not kind.  
-It is never as sweet as you think it will be  
-Anatole resents that  
-He will never get the happy ending he was supposed to have  
-After all the shit he and Dolokhov had been through  
-After everything  
-After all the almost breakups and the real breakups  
-And the hell that had been high school  
-And the hell that had been middle school  
-Their story was supposed to end differently.  
-We all know that sometimes, though, authors tend to go out of their way to make a happy ending impossible.  
-And sometimes, the feeling of hurt is sweeter than the feeling of happiness.  
-There is something more satisfying in the feeling of aching sadness  
-No one realizes this.  
-Until they feel it themselves.  
-And boy, did Anatole feel it  
-He felt a lot of things.  
-Mainly physical pain  
-And loneliness  
-God, did he feel lonely  
-When he woke up from that week-long coma with a prosthetic on one leg and tears staining his cheeks  
-He was alone  
-The room was empty  
-No one was there to spring up from their chair to comfort him and hold his hand and tell him exactly what he wanted to hear and exactly what he didn’t want to hear  
-He had no voice  
-And he had no feelings  
-He shut down  
-He wanted so badly to be out of this bleak, empty room  
-So he closed his eyes and tried his hardest at ignoring whatever was around him  
-That’s what he does best, he figures.  
-He falls asleep quickly  
-He doesn’t dream  
-He doesn’t think  
-He lets the blackness of his closed eyelids consume him  
-When he opens his eyes again, hours, days later  
-There is only one thing on his mind  
-“Where is Dolokhov?”  
-That’s when the Doctor tells him  
-He’s dead.  
-He died in the crash.  
-Oh, right, the crash.  
-Oh, god, the crash.  
-He died.  
-He died.  
-He’s dead.  
-Dead.  
-Dead.  
-Dolokhov  
-Is  
-Dead  
-And then his brain goes blank  
-Anatole is now nothing but static   
-Your connection was interrupted  
-Please restart and try again.  
-Please restart and try again.  
-Restart.  
-Try again  
-Try Again  
-Try again.  
-He doesn’t know what the Doctor says next  
-Something about Helene  
-Oh, God, is she okay?  
-Please let her be okay.  
-Ha. She’s not.  
-His sister is apparently in a coma, and may never wake up  
-And his boyfriend fucking died.  
-Isn’t life wonderful  
-Isn’t his life wonderful.  
-He gets released from the hospital a day later  
-He’s broken and bruised and ugly  
-He doesn’t feel like he’s there, like he’s living anymore  
-What’s the use of living when the air from his lungs has been stolen?  
-When heart has been ripped out of his chest?  
-Bear greets when he steps inside the dark apartment  
-Exactly how he  
-How they left it last.  
-He leaves the lights off.  
-And he sits in the dark  
-Bear keeps circling him  
-Keeps coming closer to him  
-Keeps sitting by him  
-He doesn’t touch him  
-He doesn’t look at him  
-He doesn’t acknowledge him at all.   
-It’s too much of a reminder already.  
-Everything is too much of a reminder.  
-He falls asleep in the darkness of the living room  
-With Bear curled up next to him  
-He turns on the lights the next morning  
-And walks slowly through the house  
-The house is a mess  
-He doesn’t touch anything, though  
-He keeps it as it is.  
-He touches one, thing, though  
-Dolokhov’s hearing aids  
-He stares at them, first.  
-His face blank and emotionless  
-Letting the tears pool behind his eyes  
-It hurts to much to cry  
-He throws the hearing aids out in the trashcan in the kitchen  
-Bear follows him as he walks slowly throughout the house.  
-He has no one.  
-He is alone.  
-He is finally alone.  
-Everything he did has finally caught up to him.  
-Everything bad he ever did finally got him.  
-He deserves this. He deserves everything. Every single thing  
-The next week is nothing but hell  
-He can’t look at himself in the mirror anymore  
-He can’t look at anything.  
-He feels lost  
-He’s lost without Dolokhov.  
-Dolokhov was his control, his everything.  
-Dolokhov was his grounding  
-Dolokhov brought him back to Earth when he strayed too far  
-And now he’s straying farther than he’s ever gone and no is going to stop him  
-No one can stop him  
-He ignores the constant calls from his friends.  
-He ignores everything.  
-He tells himself things are fine.  
-But what’s the use? He stopped listening a while ago.  
-He rarely moves from his bed, surrounded by Dolokhov’s old belongings  
-He cries until he’s too tired to cry anymore and then he cries again and again  
-Until he stops to breathe but then remembers he can’t because all of his oxygen is gone and then he starts crying again  
-And the cycle continues  
-That week he gets a call.  
-Helene died in the hospital the night before.  
-His world that was once crumbling was now, in complete ruins  
-There is rubble surrounding him. Drowning him  
-Crushing him  
-Pinning him.  
-He is now completely alone.  
-He laughs at this.  
-It is a sad laugh.  
-But the laugh has no meaning anymore.  
-Nothing has meaning anymore  
-He’s lost the people he was closest to  
-The people he loved the most.  
-Because of course he did.  
-This is his punishment for all the shitty things he’s ever done to them  
-All the times he was shitty and they took them back.  
-He’s getting what he deserves.  
-He constantly thinks about what could have happened  
-What he wished had happened.  
-But that voice he never knows is there tells him the truth  
-Some people don’t deserve wishes.  
-And Anatole definitely doesn’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something happy will be posted soon!! please let me know what kind of happy things i should write!


	39. hurt/comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise!

-Sometimes Dolokhov forgets he has nightmares  
-Sometimes he has one good night  
-Sometimes he doesn’t wake up crying  
-Or screaming  
-Or both  
-Sometimes he just sleeps  
-Sometimes  
-What you are about to read, is not one of those times  
-It’s going to be one of those times where Dolokhov can’t calm down for hours  
-One of those times where his tears never seem to stop flowing  
-His mind never stops racing with horrible thoughts  
-It’s one of the nights where he spends it sobbing into Anatole’s shoulder  
-I’m sorry, I’ve sure you’ve heard this before, but, reality is not as kind as one would assume.  
-We are no stranger to this story.  
-On one particular night  
-Dolokhov has a nightmare  
-An unusually vivid and upsetting one  
-That we are all also familiar with  
-But, sh, don’t tell Dolokhov  
-This one is new to him  
-This horror is brand new  
-There  
-There was a crash  
-And, and  
-And it was bad  
-Really bad  
-But, but, he was pretty fine  
-He got bruised and a little broken but nothing major  
-But oh my god  
-Oh my god  
-Anatole didn’t make it  
-He died on impact  
-He’s dead  
-He’s d e a d  
-This can’t be happening  
-Anatole shouldn’t have died  
-It should’ve been him  
-This wasn’t supposed to happen  
-They were supposed to be happy  
-Happy.  
-Then Dolokhov woke up  
-He breathed a sigh of relief  
-It isn’t real.  
-But the bed feels cold  
-He stretches his arm to feel for Anatole  
-But Anatole isn’t there  
-He rolls over.  
-The space beside him is empty  
-Oh no  
-Oh Jesus Christ  
-This cannot be happening  
-Oh God oh God oh God  
-He starts to cry  
-He starts to shake  
-He cannot help it  
-He’s whispering to himself to wake up  
-Wake up  
-Wake up  
-He’s crying more now  
-Dolokhov’s mind feels like static  
-He doesn’t feel real  
-This doesn’t feel real.  
-His eyes are trained on the door  
-As he sobs and holds the sheets that smell just like Anatole  
-He’s hoping, praying for Anatole to come walking through  
-Please  
-Please  
-He can’t stop saying it  
-“Wake up, Fedya. Come on.”  
-“Please. Please. Please be alive. Walk through this door”  
-Anatole needs to come walking through this door.  
-Dolokhov doesn’t know what he would do if Anatole didn’t  
-But, by some miracle, Anatole comes shuffling through the door  
-In his pajamas, with his perfect hair not so perfectly ruffled, blinking blearily through the dark  
-“Fedya, why are you awake?”  
-He fell silent as he walked closer  
-The sound of Dolokhov’s tears reverberates off the walls  
-“Babe?”  
-No response.  
-He gets to the edge of the bed  
-And his heart breaks  
-He sees Fedya, shaking and sobbing  
-He had another nightmare.  
-“Oh no, baby, what’s wrong?”  
-Dolokhov keeps crying  
-He doesn’t know what to say  
-He doesn’t think he’s crying because he’s sad anymore  
-He thinks these tears are now tears of relief  
-Anatole isn’t dead  
-He’s alive  
-He’s kneeling right in front of Dolokhov  
-But there’s a thought blossoming in the back of his mind  
-What if Anatole does die one day?  
-One day too soon? And he leaves Dolokhov behind?  
-What if he’s left alone again?  
-What if Anatole leaves him for good like he always thought he would?  
-But in the worst way possible?  
-“Fedya, baby, what’s wrong? Did you have another nightmare?”  
-Anatole was now lying down next to him, facing him, cradling his face  
-He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t notice  
-He swallows another sob and nods.  
-Yes, he did have another nightmare.  
-But it was so much worse than the others  
-Much, much worse.  
-“So much worse.”  
-“What’s so much worse? What happened? Can you talk to me please?”  
-“My nightmare.”  
-Everything Dolokhov had said before he whispered, but this was even quieter  
-“I dreamt, that-” A hiccup, “That we got into a car crash.”  
-“Oh, Fedya, I’m so sorry.”  
-“And, and, I was fine. But you? You died. You died on impact Anatole. You died and you left me.”  
-This was loud and it filled the room entirely.  
-“Oh my God.” Was all Anatole could say  
-In one swift movement, Anatole took his hands away from Fedya’s face, and pulled him into his chest  
-He held him like that for what seemed like forever  
-He kissed the top of his head  
-He rested his chin on top of his head, too  
-He lets him cry.  
-Fedya cries for a long time  
-He spends at least an hour and a half sobbing into Anatole’s chest  
-His mind never stopping  
-His mind racing with horrible thoughts about  
-About Anatole leaving.  
-In the back of his mind, something is telling him  
-Telling him that the reassuring grip of Anatole’s arms wrapped tightly around him, should convince him otherwise  
-The way Anatole is holding him, the fact that Anatole is there, should be evidence enough that everything is fine.  
-But who listens to the ethical part of themselves?  
-Who listens to the part of them that’s always right in situations like these?  
-When intrusive thoughts run wild?  
-No one.  
-Suffering is more fun anyway.  
-Anatole lets him cry.  
-At the hour and a half mark, he hugs Fedya a little tighter  
-He hugs him a little tighter upon hearing a small whisper  
-An involuntary whisper.  
-“Please don’t leave me.”  
-“I would never leave you.”  
-An impossible promise whispered into the vastness of a dark and almost empty room  
-The exact type of promise to be whispered into the vastness of a dark and almost empty room  
-“I would never leave you, I swear.”  
-He threads one hand through Fedya’s hair  
-Praying that it will help calm him down  
-He needs him to calm down.  
-“You’re going to be stuck with me, okay?”  
-“Don’t listen to your nightmares and the thoughts they create, alright?”  
-There was a muffled “Okay” somewhere from Anatole’s chest.  
-“Okay. I love you, you know. I love you a lot.”  
-Fedya lifted his head from Anatole’s chest to look at him, Anatole, alive, holding him  
-Anatole wipes the last tears from Fedya’s cheeks and kisses his nose  
-“So. Much. Fedya, so much. Never forget that. Please. I love you more than life itself.”  
-“I won’t. I love you.” He smiles weakly for the first time that night.  
-Fedya stops crying, but he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to fall back asleep  
-Anatole keeps running his hands through Fedya’s soft hair  
-Humming a tune from something he can’t remember  
-Humming anything   
-He mumbles an “I love you” or an “I’m right here. I’m right here.” every once in a while  
-Just to keep him calm  
-Just to keep him relaxed  
-Just to keep him okay.  
-Just to keep him okay.  
-Because God, if Fedya isn’t okay  
-He isn’t either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these took me a while! i love you all!!!


	40. modern teens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're dumb and teens in love thanks

-They are literally the most obnoxious teenagers you have ever met   
-I am not exaggerating   
-Everyone knows Anatole and Dolokhov   
-Everyone in their high school knows them   
-They’re relationship is so obnoxious and they  
-They do a lot of dumb shit   
-A lot.   
-Anyways!  
-I’d first like to talk about their social media   
-Anatole has a finsta   
-It’s filled with pictures of Fedya looking. Well. Stupid  
-Making weird faces   
-Moving too fast and making the picture blurry (and scary)   
-Him trying to do high kicks   
-Him wearing three pairs of clout goggles and doing the hang loose sign   
-You get the picture.  
-And while he has many of these photos.  
-What he has most on his finsta  
-Is videos of Fedya being absolutely, incredibly, horribly stupid (or just himself)  
-Like, for example, skateboarding down a steep hill at midnight   
-And falling.   
-And fracturing three ribs and breaking his nose   
-And that time he tried to do a split in the middle of the street (again at like midnight) and literally ripped his favorite jeans   
-And that time he tried to high kick again and first of all, lost his shoe and, ripping his other favorite jeans   
-And then him trying to find his other shoe in the dark in the middle of the night in the middle of the street   
-And not being very successful   
-And then freaking out   
-(“Those were my favorite vans, Anatole!”)  
-Videos of him showing off which socks he was wearing that day   
-(“So today I’m wearing the socks that have aliens on them”)   
-(Today my socks say “fuck this shit”)   
-Videos of him trying to play the drums but messing up and yelling “FUCK!”  
-When he somehow accidentally broke one of his drumsticks and also a drum head?  
-That time he accidentally smashed his ukulele   
-That time he cried watching dog videos  
-Him rolling down the stairs like a log on Christmas morning  
-Him crying because Anatole got him socks  
-Yeah.   
-He’s got a lot of great moments on Anatole’s instagram.   
-But  
-Anatole also has his moments immortalized on Fedya’s instagram as well.   
-And he’s got some, uh, moments.  
-Anatole crying because he ran out of hair products   
-Just a picture of Anatole literally doing a split   
-And I mean yeah both of them sometimes post just cute pictures of them  
-Like holding hands and posing nd being adorable  
-But there’s no fun in that  
-They love to embarrass each other  
-And they love each other so much that like   
-These pictures and videos are actual gold   
-They are so much better than sappy photos   
-Anyway, onto Anatole being dumb and dramatic   
-Anatole trying to use Fedya’s skateboard  
-And then falling   
-And then breaking it   
-And then having to buy Fedya a new one.   
-Him dancing to 80s music (this is a recurring one)  
-That time he threw a shoe at Fedya and almost hit him in the head, missed and accidentally put a hole in the wall   
-Him trying to paint his nails, messing up and then just. Stopping, getting up and leaving.  
-Both of them wearing matching clout goggles  
-Anatole, trying to wear Fedya’s clothes, despite them being like two or three sizes too big   
-Anatole, blasting Africa by Toto   
-Anatole jokingly snorting salt  
-Anatole trying to run down the stairs on Christmas and then falling   
-God, they’re so stupid.  
-They’re perfect for eachother.   
-And that’s just one social media platform  
-Both of their snapchats are completely different stories   
-Them, driving around at 3am   
-Going to Mcdonald’s   
-Standing in Anatole’s backyard yelling? At like 9pm?   
-Trying to leave the house by way of window but getting by Helene  
-Which results in Anatole pushing Fedya out the window then climbing out and both of them making a run for it to Anatole’s car  
-There’s one video of Fedya skateboarding a circle around Anatole and just throwing compliments at him every time he passes him  
-And Fedya with his ukulele, recreating the “i love you bitch” vine for Anatole   
-God I hate them.   
-Now, I’d like to talk about how they dress as c00l modern teens.   
-Feyda is one of those boys.   
-One of those boys  
-Who wears rolled up jeans (or like old colored khakis) with his cool socks (he’s got so many socks) and vans   
-And shirts he probably got from a thriftstore   
-They’re probably mainly striped  
-And don’t forget the alternative band shirts!   
-He has old windbreakers and corduroy jean jackets  
-He also steals a lot of Anatole’s tshirts  
-And Anatole’s denim jacket   
-Anatole kind of dresses the same, kind of   
-He’s a bit fancier I guess.   
-He wears overalls and sweaters   
-And turtlenecks  
-He owns a lot of turtlenecks   
-Both of them. Both of them use Kanken backpacks I am TELLING you  
-But Fedya’s is black and Anatole’s is yellow   
-They’re matching like that   
-Fedya unironically wears clout goggles   
-Anatole h at e s it   
-He can’t see Fedya’s eyeliner with him wearing them! What’s the point?   
-Anatole also wears highlighter a lot it’s a good look   
-Fedya steals Anatole’s sweaters too.   
-And his overalls   
-But they’re way too big   
-He wears them anyways   
-Fedya covers a bunch of songs for Anatole  
-Either on his drums or his ukulele   
-Or both   
-They’re always love songs or things he’s written   
-Anatole loves them  
-He’ll sometimes post them on his finsta   
-Also!!! They’re rinstas are super cute   
-Fedya always posts aesthetic pictures of Anatole   
-And Anatole also takes super up close pictures of Fedya in the sun (to show off his freckles)  
-Yeah. They’re modern teens in love.


	41. not a chapter

hi! its me, mel! we haven't spoken in a while and im sorry. im sorry because im not gonna be updating this anymore? you probably could have guessed that, but i'd like to explain a little. im changing my blog around a little and have decided to delete all my work off tumblr. im going to be keeping it here. but, its been really tiring being a blog that produces content and i just dont think i can do it anymore. its not my thing and its not fun anymore. i am very very sorry and would like to thank all of you for what you have done for me! i appreciate it so much. 40 headcanons isn't so bad, am i right? i am happy with the work i have created and am glad you all enjoyed it. im love you guys!!!! maybe someday i'll come back to this, who knows. but for now i just feel as if im not cut out for creating content like this anymore. thank you all for understanding and i am sending all of my love :^) <3


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